If you want to check when the Doobie Brothers are playing the Hazel Park Chicken Cookout, check the Events listing, they might have it, but right now it’s my time. I am only here to talk about things that have made me say W.T.F. (figure it out) this summer. Right now I’m mostly talking about my evaluation of the Pine Knob schedule, (It’s been Corporate Sell Out Music Theatre since 2000, and I refuse to call it by its real name).

Here is the list of concerts and random music crap that I know is going to piss me right off this summer. All shows at Pine Knob unless otherwise listed.

May :

MOVEMENT - Detroit’s Electronic Music Festival ’04
Hart Plaza – Detroit
May 29,30,31 – Memorial Day Weekend
I know this is always a fun event; it’s gonna be better than that m.f.’n Hoedown I was drug to. The lineup seems to be moving more to a local/Midwestern bill, which really doesn’t matter because 95 percent of the people there have no idea who they are anyways (the other 5 percent are from Europe). I would have hoped by now that the organizers would have flipped for a bigger name by now, such as Paul Oakenfold or the Crystal Method, but they haven’t. I am sure this brings out my lack of knowledge of the electronic genre, and I know that doesn’t sound hip of me or anything, but scheduling a big name might draw the occasional fan in, fans that might not want to hang out with the bums and pacifier-sucking, glow stick-waving crowd. Just a thought… Oh yeah, charge 5 bucks a head too, it would make the bums stick to Cass. It might also help with bringing in that bigger name too.

89X Birthday Bash: Dashboard Confessional (headlining 5-20), Blink 182 (headlining 5-21), Thrice - May 20-21
Can’t they just call this the “I’m 14 years old, I shop at Hollister, and I whine just way too much Tour”. Is Story of the Year going to be there too? God, save us with another blackout or something.

Eddie Money - May 28
They couldn’t pay me $100 bucks to see this yearly s---bomb. Maybe $200…

June :

Rush - June 8
Your usual crowd of guitar techs and D&D geeks who air drum to Neil Peart all day. Guaranteed to NOT get you laid.

Jessica Simpson - June 25
Only if she’s getting naked….

Creedence Clearwater Revisited - June 26 and 27
Who in the hell told them they could get two shows? Like six damn people actually buy tickets to that show, and somehow that warrants two shows?

Kiss/Poison - June 30
This would have been a good show… In 1996, when Kiss had the original lineup going, not Gene, Paul, and two guys from Kiss cover bands.

July :

3 Doors Down/ Puddle of Mudd/ Nickelback - July 6
Can 3 Doors Down headline? I’m only going for the fact I probably have to work the next morning, and can duck out before they go on.

Van Halen - July 10 at Joe Louis Arena; July 11 at The Palace of Auburn Hills
What the hell, 100 bucks for a ticket? I know Eddie Van Halen is rich, so why are we getting the bill for his hip replacement surgery?

Evanescence and Seether - July 15
OOOOOOOHHH! Can Creed be on the lineup too? Can’t wait.

Beach Boys - July 17 (2 Shows)
A show at 2 and 7 P.M.? Who the hell do you think you are: New Kids on the Block?

August

Lollapalooza - August 2-3
I have a whole other column in development devoted to this tragic mistake. Hang tight kiddies…

Barenaked Ladies/ Alanis Morrisette - Aug. 12
Now, everybody cough and say “HASBEENS!”

And most of all

OzzFest- August 17 Slipknot, Hatebreed and Slayer
They ought to call it Art Fest. But wait, Black Sabbath is playing! Holy crap! I bet you 700 trillion billion bazillion dollars they play “War Pigs” first; I dare you to take that bet.

All right folks, the brain had to get working again after a few months of inactivity of writing, so you will be seeing longer rants the next time, where I will probably tear apart the Downtown Hoedown in Detroit I recently attended for a grand total of 63 minutes, before almost having my head explode. Later!

Art Michalski thinks Brian Scalabrine of the New Jersey Nets looks like Screech from “Saved by the Bell”, the Palace is full of crap for making people pay 15 dollars an event to park, and that he might have to take out a loan from the bank to pay for his next tank of gas. If you have a word for him, (or want to take the Black Sabbath bet), e-mail him arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com.