I recall back in school when girls could come around at dances and remember as they would pick my friends and laugh at me (don’t worry, this happened more than a few thousand times). You would hear all the cutesy romantic songs that the boys and girls would dance for five minutes and thought they had the love of a lifetime (wait, I think they were playing Firehouse’s “Love of a Lifetime” when I was in middle school). Valentine’s Day sucks. It always has sucked, and yep… I don’t think that day is gonna get better anytime soon. More successful (in the love department) men and women walk around making me gag with all their lovey-dovey talk and their cheesy romantic shout-outs to one another.

I recall back in school when girls could come around at dances and remember as they would pick my friends and laugh at me (don’t worry, this happened more than a few thousand times). You would hear all the cutesy romantic songs that the boys and girls would dance for five minutes and thought they had the love of a lifetime (wait, I think they were playing Firehouse’s “Love of a Lifetime” when I was in middle school). Usually, by the time a Boyz II Men or Mariah Carey song came on near the end the dance, I was stuck in the corner trying to find someone to talk to. By that point, hell, I could have talked to a guy about sports, it really didn’t matter. I knew one thing, I just didn’t want to be at that dance anymore. Later, reality would set in for these young couples in “love” by St. Patrick’s Day and they would find some new person to shack up with.

By now you’re reading this sob story and asking yourself, “Art? What in the hell does this have to do with music?” Well, it has EVERYTHING to do with music…

Over the years of bitter and cruel rejection by the opposite sex (weaker men would have given up and gone celibate), it has given me the distinct ability to hate love songs. Now, I don’t mean hate by just saying that “something sucks”, but I have grown a deep seeded anger towards things like that. So, I have three words for the some of the female population of the fattest city in the country (Detroit); No, not those three words, the three words I had in mind are… THANKS A LOT!

During these years, I have created a day where I block my radio and my mind from cheesy love songs, when everyone else is thriving in them. I always refer to this as my “F Valentine’s Day Playlist” (I think you can figure out what the F stands for). And now, I am passing that knowledge for all you depressed guys out there (sorry women, if I had a female counterpart writing with me, she might be able to help).

In this day of wretched bliss, I have created a list of songs that will help you get through Valentine’s Day and instead will make you want to beat the crap out of somebody (or maybe yourself). Yeah, yeah, most of it is heavy metal or rap, but it will save you, like it’s saved me for years, and years, and years, and yep, you guessed it, years.

Here is this year’s list:
1. Slayer- Raining Blood: What’s a start to an angry list of songs without Slayer?
2. AMG- B**** Betta Have My Money- Early 90’s rap at it’s best. Some guys might be saying this after they get the bill for Valentine’s Day.
3. Ministry- Just One Fix- Thinking about Valentine’s Day too much, and listening to Ministry, might turn someone to drugs.
4. Eminem- Pretty Much Any Song- “Kim”, “Marshall Mathers”, “Bonnie & Clyde 97”: Yep, they pretty much will make you forget about a woman on your mind. WARNING: Don’t do what Eminem says in the song… I am not getting sued for inciting physical harm.
5. Nine Inch Nails- Something I Can Never Have- Very eerie song, just don’t stalk anybody like the subject in this song.
6. N.W.A.- I Ain’t Tha 1- I wish I could have game like Ice Cube did back in the day; he knew how to talk to women.
7. Poison- I Want Action- Bret Michaels just wants all guys to get some action: And not necessarily with your loved one.
8. Social Distortion- Bad Luck- Yeah, that about sums it up for me. 9. Ludacris- Ho- Ok… That’s a little harsh.
And Of course…
10. Puddle Of Mudd- She Hates Me- I think most guys that are alone (or that just got dumped) will probably be singing this one come February 14th.

If you actually remember what Valentine’s Day is after listening to these songs, you are a sorry man that needs to order a mail-order bride from some Eastern European country or something. Yeah, and for all you guys that have to sit through Barry White and Dave Matthews songs for hours on end, my University of Michigan hat’s off to you… you will probably be having lots more fun than me, but I hope she’s hot. There is nothing worse than waking up on February 15th and listening to some bad romantic music with an ugly girl (Don’t worry ladies: It works both ways as well). And to the women that are reading this article and probably thinking what a horrible guy I am; For that, I am sorry. Sorry that I have given your man some musical dignity on this day of complete sappiness. Somewhere out there, there has to be a woman who sympathizes and shares my hatred for this disgusting Hallmark holiday.

Art Michalski is 5”10, 175 pounds, with short brown hair and built pretty well. He is also highly intelligent and has a college education. If you think his list is too extreme and think that you can spice it up with some complete crap (or if you are an attractive female that can see through the hurt and pain of this column), please feel free to send me your comments at arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com.