Now, if you actually believed that I would write something like that, obviously you don’t look at the title of this column and you don’t know what I am all about. This isn’t “Art Likes You”, it’s “Art HATES You”; which means that sort of mindless babble we call news is worthy of yours truly unloading on it like Fourth of July fireworks.

As you probably already know, fading pop starlet Britney Spears became engaged to be married for the first time this weekend to Kevin Federline, who is a dancer for Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera on tour and such. I don’t know about you, but I smell everlasting love already… (That’s that little thing I like to call sarcasm). Britney figured she probably had to make it legit this time, since the last time she got married she was as drunk as a 19 year-old American girl in Windsor wearing a top from Forever 21 and jean shorts. Her last ‘marriage’ took place over New Year’s weekend in Las Vegas, as she married long time friend Jason Alexander. The marriage was annulled 55 hours later. That sounds as long as some of the relationships I have had throughout my life. But according to Britney; she “was in love!”

Yeah Britney, nothing says marriage from than being loaded off your ass while you stumble down the aisle in a baseball cap and tennis shoes. So, being the upstanding woman she is, she decided to get married the right way and go through the normal engagement process.

I don’t know if anyone told Britney this before she got engaged but, your man is a dancer. I said dancer. Jennifer Lopez tried this route before with tenth husband (I think it was actually her second) Cris Judd, only to be divorced 8 months later, after she got engaged to Ben Affleck. Somehow, I don’t think Britney has found true love.

Here are my reasons:

1) Your man has worked for both Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake. So Britney, this guy has worked for your mortal enemy AND the love of your life. It might make for good conversation, but having a mutual hatred for certain people generally leads to divorce.

2) She needed something to do. Nice twist of the ankle honey; now your summer tour is finished and thousands of fans are now going to have to watch The Ashlee Simpson Show instead of going to your concert. So, hell, why not? Get engaged! Smart Britney, real smart….

3) Her star is dimming quickly. Britney needs the media, like I need… Wait, I don’t need anything as bad as her attention-grubbing self needs the media. Her latest album In The Zone has sold about half of what its predecessor did. Quick solution to gain more headlines? Get engaged!

4) Did I mention he’s a dancer? Oops, I guess I did. A star marrying a dancer just spells disaster. The egos get thrown all out of whack, and much sooner than later. Britney is single, out of touch with her fans, and posing for Playboy (I made that last part up out of desperation and wishful thinking).

There are my quick reasons why Britney’s latest venture into marriage will only be slightly more successful than her first. I didn’t even mention that our good buddy Kevin ditched his eight months pregnant with their second child fiancée, for Miss Spears. There is nothing like the wrath of a jilted pregnant woman to screw that romance up real quick.

If you think this will be a successful romance, you are as dumb as Anna Nicole Smith before, during and after TrimSpa.

I just hope Britney learns her lesson after this situation. Marriages only stay in the news so long, then you actually have to start living with that person. And that’s where it will go wrong for Britney.

But who am I to talk about the sanctity of marriage? Oh well, screw it, I just hope that guy can make some money off the alimony payments. He’s going to need it for child support.

Art Michalski will take on anybody who thinks the “Ashlee Simpson Show” is better than “The Simple Life 2”; and thinks the Fourth of July no other purpose than to blow lots of illegal fireworks bought in Ohio and brought back over the border, for his enjoyment. If you use TrimSpa, like Anna Nicole Smith, or thinks Britney is going back to Justin; e-mail him at arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com.