You know “That Guy”. You might refer to them as “Inconsiderate Concert Guy”, or perhaps more simplistic names, like ‘A-hole’, or ‘Dumbass’. No matter what show or event you go to there is always “That Guy” who either makes for some funny conversation, or ruins someone’s evening. Women can fall under “That Guy” status as well, but let’s face it; men pretty much run the show when it comes to juvenile acts while trying to enjoy your favorite band.

It seems to me, I’ve run into a lot of “That Guy” material lately. Hell, I even know some of them. These people look worse than Robert Downey Jr. after a bender during the show.

I actually have developed a list of different species of “That Guy,” and found their Latin names. I am welcoming you to “Art’s Concert Safari.”

Here are some of the sub-species groups:

Drunkis Toomuchus (Drunks): These are the people that start drinking at three when a show starts at seven. By 7 P.M., these people can’t even spell their own name, let alone know what band they are seeing. Usually, these people either pass out during the show or get belligerent thrown out of the venue, like Cobo Arena. This group is common at most shows and doesn’t listen to reason after their third beer. Avoid at all costs.

Smokus Inconsideris (Concert Smokers): Not as annoying as the first group, but still can make you smell like an ashtray in no time flat. This group believes that as long as there are six inches of space around them, they can smoke there. Somehow, the big gigantic “NO SMOKING” signs do not apply to them. Proceed with caution; approaching this group could cause you to smell bad breath, met with an ornery attitude.

Bestus Friendsus (Everyone’s Friend): We all know “That Guy” who tries to become friends with everyone in the crowd, and wants to party with them as well. It’s great to be friendly with people, but you don’t want to hug and grab strange people while they’re doing drunken renditions of the songs you just paid 60 bucks to hear. Sorry dude, I want to hear Korn, not you. Also, these people try to convince you to agree with their wild after-concert schemes; such as going to party with “this dude I know” in New Baltimore, when you live in Novi. Play nice with this group, but not that nice.

Oldus Outoftouchis (Old man that hates new bands): You see this group a lot at festivals. You will hear them say things like “Black Sabbath rules, all you young kids listen to crap!” These are the people that try to explain to you why the Beatles are still relevant in today’s music scene. If you don’t like to listen to Journey or REO Speedwagon, avoid them as well.

Followus Leaderus (People that do everything singer says): This is the group that will wave their hands when Snoop Dogg tells them to; or stick their middle fingers in the air because some heavy metal guy said “put your fingers up.” These people are easily led and would probably jump off the Ambassador Bridge if someone with a microphone told them to. This group generally doesn’t know too many of the songs, beyond the hits. They’re harmless, but somewhat annoying.

Mustuss Meetus (Overzealous Fans): This group will run up and say any sort of dumb crap when they finally meet their favorite stars. Or they’re women that will offer any sort of favor to get backstage, and think they’re entitled to go backstage just because they have breasts. But folks, they don’t even have to meet the lead singer to act and say things that make Jesse Camp from MTV fame sound smart. They can get mentally aroused at the sight of a roadie or drum tech. Feel free to laugh at these pathetic creatures.

There are plenty more, but I figured I would give you the most common. When you are on your next concert safari, you can watch out for the person that thinks they know hip-hop because they “wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care,” or knows rock because they’re doing the devil horn thing.

So, my advice to you was best given by Jeremy Piven’s character in the classic, yet underrated, 1994 movie “PCU” when he saw Jon Favreau’s character wearing the t-shirt of the band he was going to see in concert. He simply said to him: “Don’t Be That Guy.”

I hate to say it, the types of “That Guy” this article is dedicated to probably won’t read this; so we all may be screwed for a long time to come.

Art Michalski is still responding to your e-mails from last week’s bar song article, and may not finish anytime soon. If you know “That Guy”, or are one of them, email Art at arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com.