As I approach the souvenir booth, I see some cuddly teddy bears with a red shirt on. At first, I think this was something left over for the kids during Red Wings season. Little did I realize this was actual Van Halen licensed merchandise for this concert.

Hold on, let’s stop for a second and say this together: A small teddy bear with a red “VH” logo t-shirt on that cost 15 bucks.

What in the hell do teddy bears have to do with Van Halen?

After recovering from the shock of this mockery of rock, I thought about leaving the arena, getting on the People Mover, and going exactly six feet before it broke down. But yours truly soldiered on.

What I found was the typical VH concert t-shirt, running anywhere from $35-$40. You could be the envy of your neighborhood with a stunning new denim “Van Halen 2004 Tour” jacket for the low dough price of $125, or a gray button down Van Halen shirt for $65.

As much as I thought how cool I would be with a Van Halen denim jacket, I resisted, and decided to save the money for the upcoming Dolph Lundgren DVD box set coming out (I am completely kidding with that statement, the Dolph Lundgren part, not resisting the denim jacket).

After all this, I realized how out of control bands and their management have become with tour merchandise, and how much they charge. Gone are the days of bands charging $15 for a t-shirt and $20 for a hat. Those prices are at least double that in the concert world nowadays.

Over the past few years, I have also seen the merchandise that bands put out become more diverse, and quite simply put, dumb.

I mean, do you really need a Dave Matthews Band mousepad for 20 dollars? Nothing says “surfing the web” more than Dave jam on “Satellite” for a half hour at a time. Here are a couple mind-blowing merchandise ideas that I have seen, or heard about, that have made me realize that these bands will try to pass off any crap as concert collectables.

Glow sticks - This phenomenon was seen mostly during the late 90’s, during the boy-band/Britney Spears explosion. These trinkets of crap usually ran about five dollars and stopped glowing before Timberlake walked off stage. Once the glow stick lost its novelty, the kiddies in the crowd realized that glow sticks were even more fun when thrown at an unsuspecting usher. Gee, wonder who that could have been? Those little brats laughed their ass off at the fun they had. But, those kids will eventually become adults and have to tell their peers that they went to a Backstreet Boys show when they were 14. I think that unsuspecting usher is going to get the last laugh.

Kiss Casket, 2003 tour - I actually haven’t seen the Kiss Casket, but I know Gene Simmons will pimp anything if it means Kiss making a buck. It has to look really classy at your funeral when people look at your casket, a casket spells out in bright red letters “KISS FOREVER.” Yeah, you will be the envy of afterlife with that thing. By the way, I think its costs about $8,000 dollars. You know how many Dolph Lundgren DVD box sets you could buy with eight grand? I don’t know, probably about 8,000.

The Hall of Fame shameless concert collectable?

Hootie & The Blowfish Condoms, 1996 Tour - This one takes the cake. I can see Kiss putting out condoms, but Hootie and the Blowfish? My brother actually bought a pair for laughs at this show, for five bucks I believe. That is great; people everywhere were having safe sex with “Only Wanna Be With You” in their head during the moment of passion. I think I would have risked getting a STD, than put the Hootie condom on.

When will bands realize that the collectables they put out at shows are, for the most part, ridiculous. Listen, all you need are a couple different types of tour t-shirts, a hat, and maybe a tour program. You don’t need mousepads, or coffee mugs, or ties to remember a concert. If I were in a band, I would simply put out the t-shirts, hats, and programs, and keep it simple and try to save my integrity.

Oh, and only buy the official stuff if you are going to buy merchandise from a show. Don’t be that guy in Saginaw at the Kid Rock show, who buys a t-shirt for $10 from the guy wandering the parking lot, only to have the large sweaty man to take your money, pull a shirt out of the crotch of his pants and hand it to you. Then have that shirt bleed onto other clothes after one wash.

One of my favorite bands, Rage Against the Machine, did it right. They had $15 t-shirts, $10 hats and $5 wristbands. That’s it. You didn’t see Rage putting out teddy bears and mousepads. So, if I see Metallica fanny packs the next time they visit Detroit, I’m heading for the hills.

Art Michalski wants to know the stupidest items you have seen at concerts. Even though these are bad, he thinks there are worse items out there. E-Mail him with your nominations at arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com

P.S..There is no Dolph Lundgren box set, so don’t ask me about it for a prize.