If you’re anything like me you hear some lame song you have heard 600 times before, and will probably hear another 600 times. By the time you’ve finished a few drinks, you might, if you’re lucky, hear that song again in the same night.

If you have this problem, odds are good that you are going to the same old drinking hole with no originality whatsoever. Believe me I know there are plenty of them in Detroit.

You listen to the same songs, while the average person at the bar who usually knows little to nothing about music, screams their head off at that song you’ve heard countless times before. It’s not that people are generic, it’s the bars themselves.

It probably works this way in every city; you have your cookie-cutter bars, which play the most popular stuff, and then your more interesting places, which play cutting edge music.

Take it from a man who has done his fair share of bar-hopping over the years, and is celebrating his seventh year of legal, American bar-hopping this week: Detroit is cookie-cutter bar heaven. Most local bar’s playlists sound like something straight out of a fraternity or sorority kegger with music that is made for the sheep I see every weekend.

Would it kill these places to throw in some variety? Do I really want to hear Usher’s “Yeah” for the sixth time today? If I wanted that I could turn on WDRQ and be satisfied.

Do I really want to see the bachelorette party that’s 16 women deep scream, “We want Justin!” again? I think you know my answer. I don’t need to repeat myself anymore. I might start to sound as mind-numbing as the songs I’m complaining about.

I’ve enlisted the help of a good friend of mine, who is an expert in bar songs, to help me compile a list of nine songs I NEVER, ever again, want to hear at a bar.

So, everyone put down your mixed drinks, beer, Red Bulls, or whatever else you drink, and listen to the songs I am nominating to retire forever from bars, in no particular order.

• Bon Jovi “Livin’ On A Prayer”: This song is so done, get rid of Jon’s pretty hair, and send him back to Jersey.
• Beastie Boys “Brass Monkey”: Everyone just mumbles along to the words anyway. Wanna get more original? Try “No Sleep Til Brooklyn”.
• Kid Rock “Cowboy”: Sorry Detroit, our hometown boy gets played out. I don’t care if care if he’s from Romeo, it’s an awful song to play at a bar.
• Def Leppard “Pour Some Sugar On Me”: Like the song, but not when some nasty, drunk people are trying to ride each other while singing it.
• Prince “P**** Control”: Get rid of this, just to spite the “Suck For A Buck” bachelorette parties. The next time a girl wearing a t-shirt with Lifesavers taped to it comes up to me and asks this, I’m going to slap her. Only because if I walked up to her in a bar and used this same line, she would not hesitate to kick me in the testicles. It’s all about equality sweetheart.
• Lil’ Jon “Get Low”: Get low, get low, and get your ass to a dentist, then get the hell out of my life.
• Justin Timberlake “Rock Your Body”: Listening to Justin try to beatbox at the end is all the reason I need to bail Jack Kevorkian out of jail.
• AC/DC “You Shook Me All Night Long”: This song rings surprisingly true, because some girl is usually trying to shake me all night long. Shake the money right out of my pocket because she thinks that all of the guys in Detroit are gullible enough to buy her a drink just because she’s pretty. Either that or she’s simply too cheap to actually pay for her own drink. Usually, some girl will try this tactic by showing you those American thighs, complete with celluite.

And most shockingly:

• 50 Cent “In Da Club: Listen people, you aren’t 50 Cent, it’s not your damn birthday, and I don’t really care if you want to party like its your birthday. Somewhere, 50 Cent agrees with me.

So, I am calling on all local bars to please ban these songs with me. This goes out to a local chain that rhymes with faux-st; a few places in Pontiac, and most of all, the bachelorette headquarters in Royal Oak, across from Fifth Avenue Billards.

I am serious here, your music selection is god awful. You make me want to come behind the booth and knock some sense into your DJs. I even heard a rumor that the Faux-st chain even uses the same list of songs to play at each of their bars. Clear Channel isn’t even that bad in their monopoly.

People, I am not saying to ban these places. Not at all. I know I will receive a lot of crap from the bar crowd with this list, but you need some variety in your life, not just Kid Rock, Bon Jovi and other trite songs that don’t age very well.

The scary part of it is that most people don’t care enough in their existence and will just let the bar DJs play what some dumb, easily lead people, want to hear. This is a chance for the DJ to challenge them a little bit and give the bar a new vibe; not just the old, trusty reliable, skank-hole vibe.

If you agree with me, let the DJs know how you feel because right now, I feel a lot like Morpheus from the Matrix, offering you the red pill, wanting to show you what you’ve really been fed for so long. But no one seems to care.

So Detroit, will you swallow the pill?

Art Michalski just wants to hear some new songs at the bar; thinks “Point Break” with Keanu Reeves is one of the most underrated action flicks of all time; and don’t tell anyone, he is celebrating a birthday this week. If you like to hear Bon Jovi every chance you get, or can suggest what you’d like to hear this weekend, e-mail him your love notes at arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com.