But as the year has progressed, I have been getting weird letters from artists, who are asking me why I've given them so much grief and anguish over the past year. As an artist, you have to learn to take constructive criticism from "ezine c---suckers” (which I was referred to as once), like myself.

But, as all artists think, we columnists are usually just all failed musicians who take out our own disappointment on bands we don’t think pass the muster. As for me, I’m no failed musician, so my rantings are not from some sort of jealousy. I promise.

But these artists didn’t know that, and they decided to write to me. Here are some sample comments I received over the past year (or some I COULD have received...):

Letter #1:
“Yo Art,

It’s K-Fed. I need a place to crash because that trashy ex-wife of mine kicked me out. Yo, let me sleep on your couch tonight. And yeah, can you pay for the airfare to Detroit?”

My Response:

Hell no K-Fed!

It’s like 500 dollars for a flight from L.A. to Detroit. In 2006, you finally put out your rap album, and sold about as many copies as Deion Sanders’ rap album. Then Britney kicks you out of the house and is divorcing you. Sorry bud, your gravy train ride is over. In 2007, you need to stick on WWE Monday Night Raw for a paycheck, and keep those killer rhymes flowing.

Letter #2:

“Hey Art,

Why do you fill the need to bash our band? All we’ve done this year is bring a little old school power ballad action to the charts, and brought a little fun back to music after Nirvana killed it all.

Signed,

Hinder”

My Response:

First off, nearly ALL modern rock today is based on or influenced in one way or another by Nirvana’s music. So, for you to say Nirvana was no fun, and that you’re bringing back the old days of Bon Jovi is offensive, and you lose many points in my book. Way to go on the success of “Lips of an Angel”; I cant wait to hear it in my dentist’s office next time I go.

Letter #3:

“Dear Art,

In 2006, I brought the 1930’s to life, got great reviews, and yet, you still cant find a nice word to say about me. What I do have to do in order for you to respect me?

Signed,

Christina Aguilera”

My Response:

What do you have to do for me to respect you? Stick with one look and sound for a while. One album, you’re a sweet and innocent girl. The next, you’re tough and gangsta. Now, you’re in a Doc Brown style time machine back to the 30’s. Enough is enough. You may have a great voice, but your constant image shift is confusing and takes the listener away from your talent.

Letter #4:

“Dear Art,

Why Wasn’t “High School Musical” at the top of your year end chart?

Signed,

The Cast of “High School Musical”

My Response:

Ok, this kids music craze is something that has to stop, and right now! Who in the hell over the age of 17 listens to your lame album, and Hannah Montana? Do you realize that Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter is near the top of the charts? This is horrible. What happened to the day of 14 year olds sneaking into a record store and stealing an album with offensive language? The kids that listen to “High School Musical” are soft. Along with all these computer animated movies; things like the Cheetah Girls and any artist that comes from the Disney Channel need to go bye-bye!

Letter #5:

“Hey Art,

You’re like the last person to not find me Ferga-licious; what’s the deal?

Signed,

Fergie”

My Response:

Ok, Stacy Ferguson; the reason I don’t find you enjoyable is the fact that you are in the Black Eyed Peas. “My Humps”? Enough said. As for your solo success, it seems like you ripped a page or a hundred from Gwen Stefani’s success book.

Even down to the asian girls in your Fergalicious” video, and the really sh---y rapping too. I would say just stick to day job. But your day job is the Black Eyed Peas. To quote a scholarly poet named Vince Neil, Fergie: “Don’t go away Mad, Just go away!”

Well, that’s it for me in 2006. It’s been a better year for music than the last couple of years, with some notable exceptions. The letters listed above are all from suspects of giving music a black eye in the 2006. And if you really believe these letters are real, then you need to be psychologically evaluated for your first duty of the new year. (For those of you with comprehension problems... that means I MADE THEM UP)

See you in 2007…