Yeah, I think you know what the song is: Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up”. Little did I realize it was this station’s flashback weekend. I was then treated to such classics by 2 In A Room (“Wiggle It”) and Paperboy (“Ditty”), among others. As the bile in my throat started to rise, I realized that I listened to this crap every single day for like 3 years. I must admit, it took a little while for my musical horizon to blossom into the taste I have today, but I was driving and thinking: How in the hell did I ever like this? What possessed me to think this was good music?

If you are 6 or 60, there are going to be songs that you listened to when you first started listening to music that make you cringe when you find an old tape (or for the AARP crowd, records) probably when throwing out stuff one day. In my case, these songs bring me back to the early 90’s, when a little 13 or 14 year old Mr. Hates You was first jamming his first tapes. Some people may have good memory of those old songs but all they remind me of is the verbal torment I went through on a daily basis back from 1989 to 1993. I don’t understand why Bobby Brown songs trigger bad personal memories, but they do.

While I look at the songs and groups I listened to this weekend, tunes of a simpler time in the banal pre-Nirvana days, and began to compare them to the stuff I listen to today, I had these random thoughts about certain groups and their songs:

Color Me Badd: How the f--- did I listen to a group with one guy who looked like Kenny G, another who looked like Brian Austin Green (Oh no! Bad early 90’s flashback), and yet another who looked like Rico Suave. Plus, they sang a few of their love songs in Spanish! What was I thinking?

Paula Abdul: I thought we got rid of her by 1992, but here she comes again with “American Idol”. Remember that video with that animated cat; I loved that stuff when I was 12. God, I was retarded.

Another Bad Creation: Think B2K in 1991, and you got these 6 year old rapper wannabes. That top 40 station did play “Iesha”, their big hit. Too bad my Jeep doesn’t have cyanide pills readily available in it because they would have put to good use on Saturday.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch: I don’t know what was cooler, association with New Kids On The Block, working out with cinder block dumbbells, or Calvin Klein jean ads? What wasn’t to love about Marky Mark? This stuff kept the party going at the 1991 Christmas dance at my middle school. I am barfing as I just wrote that last sentence, but it had to be said. This guy was about as hardcore as Clay Aiken. But hey, even poseur white wannabe rappers get a second chance. “Marky” Mark Wahlberg just actually happened to make good on it, with a surprisingly solid movie career.

Huh, dumb, white, wannabe rappers? You mean I didn’t mention the king of white loser rappers; Vanilla Ice? Thanks a lot a--hole! You set back white boys rapping at least 100 years! Ok, maybe only 9, until Eminem came around, but still, Vanilla Ice doesn’t get off that easy. Thanks a lot for making white people trying to rap look stupid and believing that you were legit. You crushed a lot of dreams of rap stardom for over-privileged youth at the time.

They are plenty more I can sit through and name but it would get boring after a while. We all have songs that make us cringe or reminiscent when we get older. We all have CD’s or tapes that we wished we never went to Harmony House and paid $12.99 for, and wished we could have been cooler, but hey, someone needed to buy Bell Biv DeVoe albums, right?

Now, for all the talk I do about rap and metal, and how I am into those forms of music, but my first CD I ever bought was Firehouse’ self titled debut. How cool is that? So cool, people laugh at me to this day for admitting to that (See, I am still the butt of jokes, even to this day). The second CD I ever bought was the grunge heavy “Singles” soundtrack with Pearl Jam and Soundgarden. If I want to try to be cool when telling a story, I say that was the first CD I ever bought. But you all now know the real ugly truth, but I am a trooper for admitting, so you can all kiss my ass if you want to laugh. But you shouldn’t be laughing, you bought a New Kids album as your first CD.

I am wondering how the 13 or 14 year old kids nowadays will be looking back at their musical tastes when they are my age and wonder; Who was a better singer, Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? They probably will have an answer, but they should never admit to it in the June 2018 column of Detroit Buzz. Kiddies, learn from your elders……

Art Michalski thinks that “The Day After Tomorrow” can make terminal cancer look more hopeful than that movie; that Kobe Bryant is taking the Lakers all the way this year and that Bell Biv DeVoe wasn’t all that bad. If you are planning on attending the Color Me Badd Fan Convention or reunion concert of the Funky Bunch, please e-mail to berate him at arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com.