On August 21st, an event worse than a Nazi youth rally will take place. An event so abysmal that the words make me cringe every time I hear them. I am not talking about a pre-Oscar party hosted by Pauly Shore or the Puerto Rico basketball team’s victory parade. I am talking about The Dream Cruise.

The Dream Cruise is an event that sends me into a furious rage year after year, due to the simple fact of this being an event for old timers to tell me and people younger than me that, “my generation doesn’t mean s---“ and that some classic cars prove that their age bracket is better than mine.

Police estimate this year’s crowd at somewhere around a million people; mostly consisting of grey hairs and the kids they drag to the event. I think it’s a waste of space, time, and effort.

The Dream Cruise may seem innocent enough at first but it’s just another way for anyone 45 and up to push their memories on all of us. Do I really care if you cruised Woodward back in the 1960s? Of course not. Do I care if you used to eat chili dogs at the A&W? Hell no!

It’s a chance for these people to relive their youth and realize how old they’ve really become.

These people have their cars out on Woodward three weeks before hand to show them off, while others sit in lawn chairs in front of their rods backed into the parking spots that line Woodward. I mean, is there supposed to be a month long pre-Dream Cruise party? Do you realize that you’re just watching traffic? If I was a Royal Oak or Ferndale cop, I’d ticket them just for being a moron.

I remember actually attending this event when I was younger; mostly because of the fact I had nothing else to do on that day. I remember sitting in a car as my dad blared WOMC (104.3) and repeatedly said to me; “At Least I can understand what they are saying, your music is just noise!” I believe that people in his age bracket share the same views and wouldn’t hesitate to say the same thing to their kids either.

From then on, this didn’t seem like a cute way to take a nostalgia trip to a more naïve time; but a 24 hour period for old people to belittle other generations for their supposed mistakes.

I am sorry, but this event doesn’t relate to me at all. I can’t relate with the woman in the poodle skirt and pigtails. I can’t relate to the guy who throws on his gold chain, tank top and gets in his 1978 Camaro to blast “Born to Be Wild” by Steppenwolf. That song is about as wild as a root canal.

Hey, if you like seeing classic cars and that’s your thing, please, feel free to attend. I am not going to try to convince you to not attend something you like; but be aware of your surroundings.

Realize that you are walking into seemingly friendly territory, but that not everyone shares your views.

If you think like me, and there are a growing number of people (especially ones that live day-to-day on Woodward) that feel this way, avoid Woodward at all costs on August 21st.

If you live on or near Woodward, find a hotel, abandoned house, or burned out car; just so you don’t have to be exposed to this event. If I felt like taking a trip back in time, I would call Dr. Brown from the “Back to the Future” movies go 88 miles per hour in a DeLorean.

I don’t need the Dream Cruise to help me spark memories I never had, nor care to have.

This has been going on for ten years now, and all I got to say is…
“CRUISERS GO HOME!”

Art Michalski will be throwing an Anti-Dream Cruise party, where your musical tastes, age, and beliefs will not be persecuted, even if you like Hilary Duff. Time and what to bring can be found by e-mailing him at arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com.