Sorry about that, I was flushing out the tape of probably one of the most narrow-minded, one-note award shows I have ever watched.

The three hours worth of bile I just threw into my toilet is not the Tony Awards, not the Teen Choice Awards, hell, its not even the Reality Television Awards. I am talking about an award show that knows better; the MTV Video Music Awards.

Each year, the VMAs are one of the more tolerable award shows, which showcase generally funny hosts and decent to good musical acts, from rap to rock to whatever.

Something happened this year; somehow we went from a usually somewhat reliable show, to a hip-hop drenched spectacle that probably turned many people off. It left many rock fans asking the same question that nasty old witch from the 1980s Wendy’s commercial who asked “Where’s The Rock?”

Ok, the old bag actually said “Where’s the Beef,” but I changed it for this article. Have Dave Thomas rise from the dead to sue my ass; sorry, ain’t gonna happen.

This year’s VMAs took place in Miami, probably the least rock and roll city there is. I should have known by that, it was not going to be my kind of evening.

I watched as Puff Daddy (he is never going to be P.Diddy to me) rolled out of a yacht, looking like he’s ready for one of his White Parties in the Hamptons. And I love the Mr. T look Puffy, where’s Suge Knight when you need him to take someone out?

I just couldn’t keep in my seat as I found out which outfit the Duff sisters were going to wear. I ponder many Sundays wondering what the two blonde ditzes will wear to an awards show, and once I find out, I go to bed satisfied.

Anyways, once the awards began, I could tell that I probably had seen most of the nominees and acts on the BET Awards, held back in June.

Oh, by the way, this year’s VMAs is hosted by (drum roll please,) NOBODY!

The biggest award show of the year and you can’t get Chris Rock? Hell, you can’t even get the Wayans Brothers? How sad is that? Instead, I got Jennifer Lopez and an onslaught of presenters to let us know that the same nine videos got nominated for every single category.

Dave Chappelle was there. You mean he couldn’t have been the host? He’s about as big as they get right now. We were subjected to jokes he wouldn’t even use for one of his comedy shows.

I was treated to only three rock bands performing the entire evening, all within the same 10 minute span. Hoobastank played their wimpiest song; Jet played the same song everyone has been hearing for the past year; Yellowcard showed us why the modern rock scene needs a complete overhaul. That’s it, oh yeah, that and Good Charlotte came out with D-12. I was praying that Bizarre would sit on Benji and press the air out of his lungs.

That’s it folks, there was your rock for the evening, 10 measly minutes.

Hell, Usher’s performance alone was a good 12 minutes and that rap medley was another 10 minutes. Four minutes of my life that I will never get back took place when the Polyphonic Spree performed looking like something that mixed a church choir with David Koresh and lava lamp. I wonder what their dressing room was like; I’ll bet Ricky Williams wishes he hadn’t quit the Dolphins so soon.

If only the ATF could’ve raided that joint Sunday night, then you might see a smile on my face. That was, by far, one of the most horrible performances I have ever seen. I mean, the Darkness were nominated for two awards; where the hell were they? I’ll bet they weren’t even invited.

See, this is the problem with MTV and its awards in general; they are hell bent on eradicating the rock genre as a whole off the network. This has been happening for the last ten years, and until Fat Joe is in every video, they will not stop.

They allow four hours of rock videos on MTV2 on Saturdays; while the hip-hop based “Sucker Free Sundays” get almost 10 hours worth of programming on Sundays.

MTV gets to set the trends and we get to complain. I was mad before, but now you pissed me off MTV. The backlash is coming and there will be no way you can sugar coat it on TRL, Direct Effect, or any other of your abysmal shows.

I am taking my TV back, and finding some other way to get the music I want, when I want. I don’t want my MTV anymore, not even my MTV2.

Art Michalski was not protesting in New York on Sunday, and was not planning a hijacking of the VMAs either. If you get moist at the sight of Usher, dance around to the Polyphonic Spree, or simply want to rock, email him at arthatesyou@detroitbuzz.com.