This past weekend was my high school reunion and of course I attended. High School wasn’t the “glory days” of my youth by any stretch of the imagination (THANK GOD!), but I really hold no ill will toward anyone I went to school with. I didn’t keep in contact with anyone, other than one or two good friends, and I didn’t ever feel the need to. My high school years were spent stressing out over grades and spreading myself too thin trying to be involved in everything. Granted, I get really stressed out now about work and I spread myself too thin trying to work too many jobs and maintain a social life, but at least now I can legally drink to take the edge off.

The reunion ended up being a lot more fun than I could have imagined. It was a small turnout – only about 80 people – and the attendees were from all over the high school social spectrum. I think a lot of people, like me, were there for the open bar and to see who had gotten fat and/or bald. And we were not disappointed. Everyone was also a lot cooler than they were in high school and a lot more friendly… some were even better looking. Maybe it was the open bar. Regardless, I had a great time.

So, for all of you singles who have some reunions coming up in the near future, I’ve put together some Miss Single USA High School Reunion guidelines. I hope you find them helpful you can leave your reunion on a great high from a successful evening filled with fun… and possible more than just fun.

1. First and foremost, you must look good. And by good, I mean sexy and sophisticated. Men – wear a suit jacket. Women – wear something simple yet elegant to help show off your newly obtained assets since graduation. Wear nice and comfortable shoes because you will be standing most of the night getting drinks and talking with your former classmates. I suggest straying from the super fancy and more toward something that looks sleek. This way you can accessorize to dress-up or dress-down your outfit.

2. Be sure and pick a date who can serve as your designated driver and with whom you are not romantically interested in. I went with my roommates’ oldest brother who still lives in the Detroit area. Your date should be a lot of fun and should be able to socialize and entertain himself while you’re off flirting with the tall and handsome ex-quarterback or the cute, successful ex-president of student government. Your date should be able to dance – this is surprisingly important.

3. Talk with everyone. At least say Hi to everyone and, “It’s nice to see you.” Even if you didn’t talk to these people in high school, they are just as different now as you are. You might actually like them. A reunion is as much fun as you want it to be… and if you’re friendly enough the loud and obnoxious kid who sat behind you in freshman English will invite you out to the parking lot to smoke a joint... and you will actually enjoy his company. Or at least, that’s what I’ve heard.

4. Steal a yearbook from the “Memories” table and pass it around. You should try to sit at a table with a good mix of people you know and people you don’t know. I sat with my one friend who I kept in touch with and another girl who I knew but had never actually talked to (and of course their dates). We kept trying to remember who people were and the yearbook was a big help when the nametags had names on them that we couldn’t remember.

5. Did I mention to take full advantage of the open bar? Okay. Just making sure.

6. Lastly, after dinner as people start getting up and mingling around, head over to the check-in table which hopefully is deserted. There will be nametags for those who never actually showed up. Take them over to the dates/guests at your table. Distribute them accordingly and have them look up the names in the yearbook that you commandeered as well as in the “where are they now” book that should have been given to you at the onset of the reunion. Make sure that the dates/guests have a good idea of the person whose identity they have just stolen (played the sax in the jazz band, hair color, etc.) My date, a tall, bald Polish guy took on the person of a short guy who used to have a full head of gorgeous black hair. Trust me, it will be fun. Develop new stories for these personas – sex changes are encouraged but not necessary.

Other things that I suggest, but that are not mandatory:

• Find your old crushes and flirt with them, but only if they’re single. If they’re married or engaged, back off. You don’t want to be “that girl.” Leave that for the girls still getting over their recent divorce.
• Dance your butt off with your date. It will give people something to look at and admire.
• Find little memorabilia (photos hanging around the room), pull people aside and present these to them. This is especially fun if the photos are not very flattering. Do all this with at least 90% good natured fun.
• Take advantage of the open bar. Wait. I think I already mentioned that. Carry on.
• Get as many business cards as possible from people. Make your connections. Take advantage of the networking opportunity. These are people that you have a connection with – and who knows, you might need a beverage distributor for your next party!
• Hook up with someone who does not live within a 60 mile radius of your home. You can make the arrangements while your date is off dancing with your divorced classmates. Do not hook up while you are still at the reunion, though (the parking lot is also off limits). Go back to someone’s house. Seriously people - this isn’t prom.

By the end of the evening, I was wearing a mutilated nametag that read “Jason Parko,” I had a travel-sized bottle of Hendricks gin in between my breasts, and I could not stop laughing at how much fun I had. Go Vikings!