A couple weekends ago was my good friend Peter’s wedding. Peter was a college friend of mine and is a total hunk. He’s traveled all around the US doing nature-type things and also worked in the Philippines with the Peace Corps. I have always respected Peter for his complete honesty and his ability to accept people for their best. While in his short stint working in the Pacific Northwest with the Americorps, Peter met this totally cool partner named Kari and they are perfect for each other. I wish them nothing but the best in everything.

Peter’s wedding also gave me a chance to reconnect with some people from college who I had not seen since my graduation nearly 7 years ago. What blew my mind most about everyone was the fact that nearly everyone was coupled. I, per usual Miss Single style, went stag for the wedding. (Note – why isn’t there a female version of the word stag? It just doesn’t make sense to say that I went “doe” to the wedding. Stupid influential patriarchy!) I’m actually a person who enjoys doing things by myself. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m reclusive, but I work in an office alone for the most part, I like to eat my lunch alone more often than not, and I love to go for walks by myself – especially through my neighborhood. Why is it then when I go to a wedding, a ceremony of two people becoming a single unit, that I always have to stand up and defend my single position.

“No, I’m not married. No, I’m not seeing anyone seriously… Oh, look, my glass is empty. I need to get another glass of wine. I’ll talk to you later on! (big cheese smile)”

There were some other single women at the wedding reception as well – most had brought friends or dates along with them. While I was talking with two other single girls, the mother of the groom came by to hustle us together for the bouquet toss. When I asked if we were the only three single girls at the wedding, she responded with, “Of course not… I think there’s one more.” Another glass of wine, please…

I didn’t catch the bouquet this year, but I actually thought about making an effort. You know, put a show on for the old folks. Unfortunately, the flowers soared over my head and fell at the feet of a cute social worker from the southside. We all stared at it for a couple of seconds before she slowly bent down and picked it up. She had the look on her face of, “Oh, god, I hope I’m not next.”

This made me start thinking. Why is it that so many single women in my life are so reluctant to get married?

Well, I guess it’s because we really don’t feel like we NEED to. Or maybe we’re afraid that if we get married, our spouse will suddenly get transferred to a shithole like Park City, UT or god forbid that we would move back to your hometown and settle down within driving distance from our family.

Instead of getting married, I think I’ll just establish myself as the designated bachelorette party thrower. I’ll gather together a harem of men (if I can go “stag” to a wedding, I can gather a “harem” of men) who will constantly be at my beck and call for sex and stripping. These can be the men who I can loan out to friends (or use their services myself) who will cook for them and in return will rub their feet and clean their showers. It would be a win-win situation. All interested applicants - please forward your resume. We’ll see what kind of deal we can score.