I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half and up until a month ago, I would venture to say it was one of the most awesome relationships that I have ever been in. We both agreed right from the beginning to have an open relationship where we could explore any sort of desire that might come our way.

Recently, my partner became very jealous and untrusting because of my online activity (I joined a networking site and began flirting - only flirting - with girls online) and she decided that the terms of our relationship must be defined by her own desires and interests, mainly by giving me an ultimatum that she could not continue with our relationship unless we became monogamous.

I’m very worried because she has had a very active sex life and has never been in a relationship before (or at least up until now) for over 6 months. I don’t want to rush into anything with her and I have major fantasies of hooking up with some hot stranger and having the most amazing sex of my life.

Am I selfish in my reluctance to accommodate her and her desire to be monogamous? Shouldn’t she acknowledge that every relationship is a two-way street, and that compromise on both of their part is necessary? Shouldn’t we discuss all possibilities and consider one another’s desires, motives and concerns openly and honestly in order to help each other grow and mature? I really care about her a lot, but I don’t want to give up my fantasies. Please help.

Upset with Monogamous Ultimatums

Monogamy is something that I have never been a fan of at all. I tend to dislike ultimatums even more. And I’d venture to say that if it took a year and a half for one of you to bring up the topic of monogamy, you had found a pretty awesome chick to be with.

But, no matter how awesome your chick is, I don’t think that your relationship was as awesome for both of you as you might have thought. People become jealous when they are unsure about things. If there was no doubt about the relationship itself, I do not believe that jealousy would arise. Online networking sites do have the major potential to cause jealousy in partners, especially if your motives on your page are not clearly communicated, such as "only flirting." Was she connected to you through your networking page where she a bunch of comments from girls bearing their titties and asscheeks? If so, I think it was stupid of you, UMU, to do all this right under her nose. Open relationship or not, it's just plain rude to flirt and toy around right in front of your girl. Come on, dude, tighten up. At least do that under an alias or something.

As for the ultimatum in general, ultimatums are lame and yes, selfish. But I think that your situation does not apply to most general assumptions. It sounds like you're in an "if you loved me, you'd only be with me" vs. "if you loved me, you'd let me have one night stands with dirty, kinky models" battle. If that is your situation, which a hunch tells me it might be, I'm going to believe that your partner didn't see any other option than giving you an ultimatum to not see anyone else. If she wants to be in a relationship only with you, she probably wants you to also to be in a relationship only with her. Non-consensual fucking around is selfish, unsafe, rude and, well, just plain stupid. (And, besides, come on - I'm assuming you're a normal guy. Most normal guys never have the opportunity to come in general contact, let alone intimate contact, with dirty kinky models.)

As for the monogamy ultimatum specifically, did you propose any alternatives rather than close yourself off when you heard your partners desires and interests? A proposed compromise must settle at least part of each person's desires and interest otherwise it is not a compromise - it's one person giving in and the other reigning supreme. Compromise on both parts is absolutely necessary for a relationship to sustain itself and especially a compromise that acknowledges the other's desires and interests. But - if in your example, one of you wanted to sleep around and the other wanted to have a serious relationship and neither of you are willing to budge, it doesn’t really seem like any sort of compromise can be reached. In regards to selfishness, I do think you are selfish in not recognizing and acknowledging your partner's desire to be in a monogamous relationship with you. I also think you are selfish if you have not proposed any sort of compromise - that makes me think that you were in the relationship just for the sex and not because you actually care about the person. Did she propose any sort of compromise? Have you considered any of her compromises or have you written her off as some dumb inexperienced girl who doesn't know what she's talking about? Most girls who have not been in many relationships usually avoid them like the plague for a reason - because they are unsure about their feelings for their partners. Either that, or they are just ugly. If your partner is not ugly, she obviously must love you very much or she never would have wanted to explore a relationship with you.

As for the growing and maturing part, it sounds like you both have a lot of growing and maturing to do with this relationship. It sounds like you both know what you want, so try to find something in-between that will make both of you happy. Maybe propose having a three-some with her in a safe and comforting environment - I'm sure you could find someone on your networking site who would be willing. Try making her part of your fantasy and involving her more in your kinks and see how she reacts. Another good way to start is by the two of you participating in online sex with some woman that you choose together. This way you can also see how she reacts with you bringing another partner into your life. If she needs you to be monogamous with her in order for your relationship to continue, if you love her (do you love her?) you might want to consider it for a while. See how things work out for you - maybe neither one of you is really cut out for monogamy and you will both realize that. If neither of you is willing to at least try anything to accommodate each other’s desires and interests, you may have to call things off and move on with you and your kinky, freaky selves.

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