Cruisin’ into May like the Pistons into the playoffs, we are gearing up for the big summer concert season. And like you, I am getting ready to spend my days at DTE Energy Music Theatre hanging out on the lawn, 10,000 feet away from the stage, and getting my ass kicked by the hot sun.

This year brings the usual amount of hopeless has-beens, newcomers, and the loud festivals that litter both parking lots and amphitheatres alike, all vying for your dollars. With gas being at the always reasonable price of 3 dollars a gallon, and the places that accept beer can deposits getting smaller, many shows are going for whatever money I may have left.

So, here are the concerts fighting for your dead presidents this summer:

MAY:

• Pearl Jam (May 22nd - The Palace): Pearl Jam is this year’s Prince, and Santana a few years before that. They are the comeback band of the moment. Even though they’re in an upturn in their career, they’ve always been a great band to see live, and this time should be no different.
• Movement 06 (May 27-29 - Hart Plaza): Movement is back for the sixth year, at the same place, but with new organizers (Pauhaux) for the three day fest. Always an interesting blend of people at this year, with electronica diehards mixing it up with the casual or curious fans. And yes, they are still charging.
• Eddie Money (May 26 - DTE & May 27th - Meadowbrook): Eddie Money is so huge that he needs two nights at two different venues, to see all of his fans. Of course, that’s in Fantasyland. Everyone at this show will have comp tickets, so I guess we can put him in the has-been pile with other people heading to DTE this summer like The Fixx (June 3rd), Pat Benatar (June 22nd), and the always mind-boggling two night stand from Creedence Clearwater Revisited without John Fogerty (July 13th and 14th).

JUNE:

• Dave Matthews Band (June 6th - DTE): No, I don’t have tickets. This show sold out in about ten minutes, leaving many people left to play hackysack in the parking lot. But congratulations to all of you that are going - you will get to here a 21 minute version of Jimi Thing, with extended jam sessions!
• Rob Thomas & Jewel (June 15th - DTE): Should I get a minivan, find some random soccer kids, and bump KT Tunstall on my way to this show? I would rather be neutered.
• Bruce Springsteen (June 17th - DTE): Ok folks, you will not hear Born in the U.S.A., or The River. This tour is dealing with the music from his folk Seeger Sessions project. So, if you are going for the hits, save your money.
• 89X Birthday Bash (June 18th - Downtown Detroit): Hey 89X, how about you sell 10,000 less tickets than you did last year. Me, and many others missed out on Social Distortion and the Killers. But 89X may run into disaster again, as 14,000 crazed 16 year girls try to see Dashboard Confessional for the first time in three years. Also starring the dysfunctional Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and AFI.
• Ministry (June 24th - Harpos): Lots of Bush bashing, and the return of Revolting Cocks. Homeland Security might want to keep an eye on this one. See you there!
• Nine Inch Nails w/ Bauhaus (June 25th - DTE): The Industrial Rock weekend concludes with Trent Reznor’s third appearance in the area this year. Peter Murphy and the goth legends Bauhaus are coming with him. I heard Murphy sings a song, as he is hung upside down. That may be worth the 20 dollars alone - or at least to see him pass out from the blood rushing to his head.
• Taking Back Sunday/ Angels & Airwaves (June 29th - Meadowbrook): The New York princes of emo meet up with Tom DeLonge’s (Blink 182) new quasi-political band. I bet you I spend more time rolling down the hill at Meadowbrook than watching the show this night.

JULY:

• Unholy Alliance Tour w/ Slayer, Lamb of God and Mastodon (July 6th - Cobo): Let me repeat this now: Best Rock Show of the Year, hands down. OzzFest looks severely pale in comparison.
• Panic! At The Disco (July 14th - State Theatre): Why do they have an exclamation point in front of their first word of their name? Why does it bother me? And why do find myself liking this group? If isn’t clear by now, I have the musical taste of a 15 year old.
• O.A.R. (July 14th - Meadowbrook): These hippie wannabes are trying to trick us into liking Love and Memories. They did a good job of fooling us, because that song is catchy. But somehow, I don’t see myself at this one.
• OzzFest 2006 (July 19th - DTE): OzzFest goes mainstream rock again this year, with System of A Down and Disturbed co-headlining. A mystery band is announced on May 23rd, with Avenged Sevenfold being the likely candidate to fill that void. They are quality bands on this bill, with Avenged, System and Hatebreed filling the main stage. Black Label Society and Atreyu headline the second stage. Hopefully, the Osbournes don’t throw eggs at anyone this year.
• Counting Crows/ Goo Goo Dolls (July 21st - DTE): Wow, would I like to relive 1996 once again? If I really wanted to do that, I would go to my ten year high school reunion later this year. Don’t bet on it.
• Def Leppard w/ Journey (July 24 - DTE): Def Leppard and Journey? That’s a weird pair. Get the Aqua Net and the Camaro out of the garage and go enjoy yourself.
• Poison/ Cinderella (July 28th - DTE): Repeat previous statement.
• Ashlee Simpson (July 29th - DTE): I can’t say anything. If I start going off on how this “style over substance”, talentless individual is still famous, I’m liable to have a heart attack.
• Warped Tour (July 29th - Comerica Park): Warped goes back downtown this year, after the hotplate at the Silverdome last year. Rise Against, Motion City Soundtrack, Thursday and Every Time I Die lead the always economical bargain this year.

AUGUST:

• Sounds of the Underground (August 3rd - DTE): Move this back to Freedom Hill now! It was a relaxed and good time at Freedom Hill last year. At DTE, I am going to have to listen to In Flames, Trivium and Gwar, with one eye on the stage, and the other on the security guards, looking to be jerks.
• Fiona Apple (August 9th - DTE): Maybe she’ll put on a stunning performance, like she did when she opened for Coldplay a few months back. And by stunning, I really mean crappy.
• Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (August 31st - Palace)- Gee! Can I pay a thousand dollars a ticket? It looks really hypocritical coming from an anti-establishment guy like Neil Young.

SEPTEMBER: Jimmy Buffett (September 12 - DTE): You will undoubtedly see sand in the parking lot, and a lot of middle aged people who still think they can party at this one. Congrats to Buffett for coming back to a place he’s rumored to have said he would never come back to.

Well, that’s the Reader’s Digest version of what is heading our way this summer. There are many more shows coming, but I didn’t feel like talking about them all day. If you want to check things out for yourself (always a good idea) look at Ticketmaster or Livenation, or some other site that will give you the information you need.

Now leave me alone, I gotta take these beer cans back to the store while I still can…

Any of these shows of interest to you? Talk about it on the messageboard!