VH1 is threatening to stop running episodes of Hogan Knows Best, and the 75,493rd airing of Fit Celebrity Bodies, or Fly Celebrity Hangouts, to run a month worth of “metal” programming. Excuse me while I go get a tissue, because I think I’m going to cry…

As much as I am going to miss my secret horsefaced lover, Tori Spelling, I will come to terms with it as I heard the term “metal music” on a regular so called music channel outlet. One whole month full of old school Metallica concerts maybe? Maybe the greatest metal songs of all time? Nope, when VH1 means metal, we all know what it will mean:

More and more hair metal…

VH1 is planning on running “40 Greatest Metal Songs” of all time, which I boldly predicted a few lines ago. And they are planning on premiering a way overdue Pantera “Behind the Music”…. After a premiere of Ratt’s “Behind the Music”. EXCUSE ME! Pantera and Ratt never, ever, ever deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence, let alone in the same article. Pantera is the greatest metal band of this generation, hands down. Ratt is music for 45 year old mullet wearing men and women in stonewashed jeans to sing along to, and do it quite annoyingly, might I add. But Ratt’s “Behind the Music” will get more attention, because they fit VH1’s demographic.

As I was thinking back, VH1 has had some appealing ideas for some of their metal related programming, but pretty much dropped the ball on a few items, which you can guess, I remembered:

Guns n Roses’ “Behind the Music”: If done right, this should have been a damn miniseries. It should have been a 6 hour, 3 night kind of deal, with interviews from Slash, Duff, roadies, groupies and the guy who had to clean up their crap after a show. Perhaps VH1 should have told Axl Rose that there was a free Botox injection in it for him, if he did an interview. The “Behind The Music” we got was a nice teaser, but fell far short of what it should have been.

VH1’s Classic’s “Metal Mania”: Ok, old school Judas Priest and Motorhead songs should never appear next to videos from Thunder, Kix or any other cheesy hair rock band. Never!

And as for referring to Bon Jovi, Poison, Def Leppard, and dozens of hair rock bands as “metal”:

First off, Bon Jovi can eat my shorts! Have you heard that country song Bon Jovi is doing? Further proof they never were, or never will be metal. It’s just music for a bunch of drunken people to sing at a bar, and think they’re cool, yet nostalgic at the same time.

Next, Poison: The only metal thing that they ever did was when Bret Michaels got coked and liquored up, and drove his car into a median on a L.A. freeway. Well, that and nailing Pamela Anderson on tape. Now, C.C. Deville is on The Surreal Life, and Bret Michaels truly believes people are out to kill him.

Def Leppard was the most likable of those bands, but metal? Please… They are touring with Journey this summer! Nothing says metal more than Open Arms.

Perhaps VH1 can rerun the movie Rock Star 750 times during the month as well. As much as I want to listen to Steel Dragon sing Stand Up and Shout, it gets a little grating after a while. To see Mr. “Feel the Vibrations” Marky Mark wail through metal is shocking, but not as appalling as originally thought. I am almost certain they will run the “100 Top Artists of Hard Rock” countdown into the ground as well.

Or perhaps VH1 can run their metal meets Passover show “Matzo and Metal”, which was a roundtable discussion between Jewish artists and their passion for metal. Quite bizarre and random…

What I am trying to say is that VH1’s opinion of metal and my opinion of metal are vastly different. And for VH1 to pass off a month of metal related programming, and then overanalyze the spray can rock days, is a travesty for those of us who still believe in the much-maligned art form we know (and some of us love) as metal.