A friend’s former band used to sing a song called “Match.com.” The lines for the chorus were “I’m cleanin’ up on Match.com/ Cleanin’ up on match.com.” Not the most inventive song, but rather entertaining. As you can probably guess, the song was basically about this guy who was scoring like mad through online dating services. I understand that online dating is becoming more and more peoples' major source for finding dates, but I remained extremely skeptical of it for a long time.

After a friend of mine started happily dating a BEAUTIFUL model and two other friends became engaged with someone who they had met online, I decided to give it a shot. If these girls (who I respect) could find some nice play online, why not give it the ol’ college try.

For me, online dating was an absolute disaster. Holy hell was it bad. I went out with guys who shaved their armpits, guys who talked about their work just so they could expense dinner (Editor's Note: Guys take note... what a great trick), guys who pretended their feet were puppets so they could talk my inner monologue, Germans, and finally a guy who looked and acted like he had spent 3 tours in ‘Nam. It was a horrible 2 months of perpetually dating losers, Germans, freaks and nerds.

My time served online dating made me realize that the only people there were ones who were broken by life and past relationships or who just had no idea how to interact with the general population. These were people that I would never even consider being friends with, let along invite into my bedroom.

Even though I swore off online dating, I understand that some people do find success in it. My friends who met their “soulmates” online, basically said that they met on the 1st day he or she signed up and that the partner was the 1st and only person he or she ever dated. (I’m sorry… I think I just vomited in my mouth.)

I asked some other friends to provide additional insight into this online dating culture and basically their responses were about specific online dating services and how easy it is to get some play off the people they meet. I’m sorry, but this still doesn’t make sense to me. Wouldn’t you rather get some play with someone who you actually meet in person, who you don’t know much about, yet are able to see them interact in a social setting first rather than an online setting?

I know people talk shit about having to meet people in bars, and I can completely understand that, but there are SO many other places to meet people… if you get off your computer and actually make the miniscule effort to talk to a living human being rather than just e-mailing back and forth before meeting each other.

Anyway, if you do insist on online dating, invite the prospective to a party or a show or maybe some gallery opening – something that you enjoy doing but that’s not hanging out at a bar. There is no reason anymore to hide the fact that you are dating online. Bring your friends along with you and ask the prospective dater to meet you there with some of his/her friends. Tell the person how to recognize you and see if he or she approaches you. If nothing happens, at least you had a good time doing something you enjoy with your friends. If something happens, hey, bonus!

The only other option that I suggest for online dating is purely for sexual purposes. There are lots of kinky and freaky people online. Ever wanted to be in a threesome? Ever wanted to be dominated? Ever wanted to just find someone to act as a "love buddy?” The online world is your oyster and I hope you find your pearl.

Personally, I think that the online dating is a sham and should be avoided at all costs. If it works for you, though, run with it! Go crazy with as many freaks and Germans as possible and fulfill all your online fantasies! But call me old fashioned - I think I’ll stick with my tried and true method of getting my freak on by shakin’ my thang in person.

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