One of the first experiences I had when I was married made me think that I had absolutely no idea what I had gotten myself into. I mean, I knew I was in for some surprises, I knew there would be differences, not just between men and women, but between her upbringing and mine, between her value system and mine, her goals and mine, and so on.

But nothing in my experience, NOTHING had prepared me for the differences between her ways and mine.

Note: Of all the things we question as we grow up- our parent's authority, the government's truthfulness, our place and role in life, of equal importance are the things we never even think to question, like the subconscious assumptions we inherit from our parents, and the peculiar gender-based rituals boys get from their fathers and girls get from their mothers.

Well, one of the areas where she and I differed the most was our routines. For example, I lacked a certain respect for her makeup routine. She'd be applying her makeup, trying to make herself look pretty, which I liked, and I would stand behind her and make stupid faces, trying to make her face look like 'The Joker', which, presumably, I thought would be funny. It never worked, of course- she had the concentration powers of a Buddhist monk. But I never stopped trying, hoping one day I could collapse in convulsive laughter after she drew a big gash of red lipstick from her mouth to the corner of her eye. That would've been awesome! Sadly, the best reaction I think I ever got was, "You're an idiot."

She, on the other hand, had a very different idea of what constituted 'morning privacy'. I thought of it as my 'morning meeting', she though of it as 'a great opportunity to annoy the hell out of me'. So, no more than two or three days into the marriage, I go off to the 'conference room' with this morning's 'agenda' (newspaper) and close the door, thinking, 'This is the polite thing to do- close the door, limit the spread of offensive odors- I'm a good husband.'

HA! She opens the door! She... opens... the... door! And she's standing there, talking to me as if this is normal, this is what married couples do, this is going to be our little 'together routine' before I go to work every day for the rest of my life, and there's no reason whatsoever for my shrill and outraged protestations. I'm sitting there with my mouth wide open, trying to get her to leave me alone (while at a considerable disadvantage), and she's going on and on about who knows what, and I finally get her on the other side of the door and lock it, all without interrupting the... integrity... of the situation.

What should have been a peaceful gathering of my mental and emotional forces to meet the challenges of the day has turned out to be a combative, adversarial engagement with my Top Advisor, and I'm running my fingers through my hair in disbelief, wondering if there could be sex so good it could possibly make up for what I've just been through, when I hear... HER VOICE! She's talking to me again, godinheaven, she's still talking! She's sitting on the floor outside the door, actually leaning against the door, and she's trying to engage me in conversation!

She's cut off my only exit, unless I go through the window, and just when I'm actually calculating whether I could fit, I hear the unmistakable sound of metal on metal. To my eye-widening horror, I realize she's got a butter knife, and she's picking the lock. SHE'S PICKING THE LOCK! You've GOT to be kidding me! Can she really be this determined to violate the sanctity of a male ritual as old as time? Is she so obsessed with togetherness that even this brief time apart will drive her completely mad? Has she so little respect for tradition? The answers, yes, yes, and yes, were apparent as she stood there, triumphant smirk on her face, one hand on the doorknob and the butter knife in the other, her tone partly irritated and partly amused as she asked, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

So I divorced her.

Though a guest columnist this week, Uncledave (not bitter, just talkative) has a lot to say about the differences between men and women, politics, religion, freecell and obscure movie lines. Give him some feedback on our Messageboard. Or email him.