Saturday evening, after wandering around downtown for hours wearing green, I ran into my good friend Josh. Josh welcomed me with a big hug and with some good news – he had gotten some. He said that he wasn’t proud of it, but that he needed a slump buster to kick him back in the game. I love my friend Josh, but I have the hardest time keeping up with his terms. I’ve gotten to the point where anything he says that I don’t understand I just assume means some sort of strange sex act. I think this might just make me love him even more… but only in a gay way.

So, the slump buster. According to the urban dictionary, the slump buster is an unattractive girl that a guy has sex with to in order to get over his dry spell. I’d be offended by this if I didn’t think it was so funny. I tried to think of the female equivalent to this and all that Josh and I could come up with was a “pity screw.” The idea still didn’t settle well with me and I decided to give it more thought.

After thinking long and hard about this topic, I decided that there really isn’t a female equivalent to this term because, well, women really don’t need anything like a “slump buster.” It’s a lot easier for a woman to get laid than it is for a guy. A girl could go to any sports bar, find a single guy who is sitting by himself, buy him a beer, throw him a line or two, and get some lovin. Guys, it’s sad, but it’s true. It’s harder for you to get laid. It’s a fact.

As the ladies know, though, we’re not always into the idea of just going out and picking up some random guy at a bar just to get laid. Sometimes it just takes too much effort. We could hypothetically even respond to one of those creepy guys who sends us e-mail on our myspace pages and hook up with him. But even this just seems too out-there even for me! Responding to one of these guys or picking up a guy at a bar would provide the physical sensations that we’re looking for, but then again, so would a toy. Actually, according to my research, a toy would probably provide even better physical sensations.

Ladies, if you’re in this situation, I just suggest just going shopping at your local sex boutique. There’s less chance of getting sick and you might discover new things about yourself. If you’re feeling the need for some sort of physical intimacy with someone, I suggest going to a gay-friendly dance club. If you’re in the Chicago area, I suggest going to Berlin. You’ll meet guys there who won’t want to take you home, but these men will have great bodies and more than likely will not be wearing a shirt. They will take the time to tell you how fabulous and hot they think you are to the point where you just HAVE to believe them. Then at 5am when they kick you out after dancing your hot little tush off, go home and have fun with your new rabbit, or dolphin, or whatever and get a good night’s sleep. In the morning when you wake up, call up your girlfriends and go out for mimosas. Drinking and toys can do wonders for a single woman’s soul! Ladies, don’t slump - just hump.

I think I just found my new political campaign slogan.

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