“If you're single, don't be depressed, and don't you dare stay home tonight.”

That’s what my horoscope read on Tuesday. And those were the words that kept running through my mind as I sat in front of the TV eating a heart-shaped pizza and drinking a bottle of Big Tattoo Riesling. After I had eaten half the pizza and finished the wine, I decided to take heed of my horoscope’s warning. I was just too restless and I couldn’t let a day devoted to romance slip through the fingers of Miss Single USA. I threw on some lipstick and my combat boots and I ventured out into the Chicago Valentine’s Day wilderness!

I decided that my Valentine’s Day walk was going to be dedicated to observing the behaviors of the couples that I encountered. But first, I needed cigarettes. Yes, I’m trying to quit smoking right now, but I couldn’t help it. It was Valentine’s Day, and I am not one to go out into the couples’ wilderness unprepared. On my way to the Osco, which is only two blocks away, I had my first two Valentine’s Day observations.

Observation #1: Though yesterday was rather mild, especially for February in Chicago, it was still 40-some degrees outside. I could not get over the amount of women that I saw in long black wool coats, but wearing open toed and open backed shoes… and no stockings. I’m sorry, but that’s just retarded and a major fashion faux pas. Granted, I was wearing combat boots and a pink suede coat, but still, at least I was dressed appropriately for the season. Ladies, if you’re gonna go out, even if it’s a fancy winter evening, wear stockings – especially if you’re sporting your black cashmere coat. Otherwise, you’re just gonna look like white trash.

Observation #2: My walk to the Osco is down a stretch of Lincoln Avenue where there are mainly storefront condos. All the office buildings were closed, as it was 9:00 p.m., but there’s still light foot traffic around. In the entrance way for one of the condos, I found that someone had left a pair of what looked like used latex gloves. They weren’t especially dirty or anything, but you could tell that they were once on someone’s hand and then this someone decided to take them off before entering (or maybe upon exiting) the building. What baffled me was the fact that there was a trash can no more than 3 feet away from the gloves (which made me suspect that there was no foul play involved – I like to think that criminals are smart enough to dispose of their latex gloves in proper receptacles). I like to think that they were from someone who couldn’t stand the feel of Valentine’s Day so decided to take precautionary measures.

Encountering these two observations within my first 15 minutes of Valentines Day exploration, I knew that it would end up being kind of a bizarre evening.

The rest of my walk was pretty normal. I saw couples sitting in restaurants. I walked by a Starbucks which was filled with older couples having coffee and single men with laptops (gotta love that free wi-fi). Finally, I walked up to my local drinking haunt. It was rather crowded for a Tuesday night and I passed it once without even thinking of going in. But, as usual, I was a sucker for the 2nd pass. I went in and ordered a drink. The bartender asked if the “Ladies” were also going to be stopping by. I shrugged my shoulders, told her about my horoscope, gave her my credit card, and asked her to “run a cab” for me. Obviously, I was in perfect shape for Valentines Day drinking.

As I sat at a table by myself drinking my Spaten and chain smoking, I decided that it had been a rather successful Valentine’s Day for me. I had a great dinner. I was drunk. I went for a nice long walk on a beautiful Chicago winter evening. I saw women dressed like trashy hoes, which made me feel more secure about how I looked in my tight jeans, lipstick and combat boots. I saw a pair of latex gloves that just made me laugh at the obscurity of it all. Slowly, my friends started showing up with those, “I was hoping you’d be here” comments. More Spaten flowed from the taps… along with some vodka… and some Jameson’s… and finally I stumbled out into the Valentine’s Night ready to take on the world! And by “take on the world” I mean “pass out in my bed and wake up with a killer hangover.”

Now, I’m off to hit the Osco again and buy some majorly discounted chocolates.

'Hope you found some good lovin’ on Tuesday… or at least some good pizza!

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