For the next few weeks, most of my rants and hot tips are going to be related to the Super Bowl XL, so you can either start reading again in Mid-February, or sit back and listen to what I have to say, and use the tips on what’s going on for the biggest week that Downtown Detroit has seen in a very, very long time.

So, now that Indianapolis lost, and ruined every chance I had at predicting the right Super Bowl game for the past four months, I will focus in on what’s heading our way. This first article will deal with what locals can expect in the coming weeks, and to dispel some commonly believed ideas and myths about the Super Bowl.

So, for us Metro-Detroiters, here is your edition of Super Bowl for Dummies- Metro Detroit style:

1. First off, you are NOT going to the Super Bowl, so don’t think they’re tickets available: Unless you were stupid enough to spend 5,000 dollars for a ticket, or lucky enough to win a team lottery (In which 0.00000007 percent of the population knew about, and a smaller percentage actually won), you will be watching the game on TV, just like anybody else. Try and sneak in, and you will be spending the night in the Wayne County holding tank. Good luck, if you try though….

2. You are NOT going to the Maxim or Penthouse party: Don’t expect to see random good looking girls at either event, because you will be outside, trying to get a peek, just like everybody else. Also, unless you were invited, or dished out more then $2,000 to hang out with has-been athletes, and wannabe models, you’re not coming in. It’s not that you aren’t important; it’s just that they are more important people than you that get to go (like Pat O’Brien). Sorry to tell you that…

3. There are some parties you still can get into, however: You can hang out with William “The Refrigerator” Perry and some people from Survivor, if you go to the Leather & Laces party at the Royal Oak Theatre on February 4th. You can also go and hang out at parties with no stars taking place at different venues around town. I think the Jenna Jameson party on Feb. 3rd at the Zoo Bar will provide the most bang for the buck (no pun intended). It’s a lot cheaper than the Maxim party, and you will probably see more skin. And guess what: TICKETS ARE STILL AVAILABLE! Don’t tempt me, I may go, and give Detroit Buzz a report. (Editor’s note: I’ll take that as a commitment.)

4. The Playboy Party is at a hangar at City Airport: Playboy? City Airport? What! Wasn’t Harpo’s or the I-Rock being used? I can think of 38,832 better places in Detroit to have such of an esteemed event than City Airport. Until last week, I didn’t even know that place still existed.

5. A harder ticket than the Maxim party may be the Kid Rock shows at Joe Louis Arena. Yeah, I knocked him in the past, but this will be the “locals party”. Believe me, you will probably have a better time dishing out 40 bucks for a show than $2,000 for some uptight party. Joe Louis Arena will be the only place all weekend where locals outnumber Super Bowl weekend warriors.

6. Corporate sponsors don’t care if locals go to the concerts: Ticketmaster put the on sale time and date for the Kanye West/ Nickelback show, sponsored by Pepsi, two hours AFTER it sold out (f-you very much Ticketmaster). So, many people will be trying to swindle for tickets at the State Theatre for the Feb. 2nd show. Also, shows by 3 Doors Down and Snoop Dogg will be invites only, from radio stations.

7. And please, do not try to sound important, saying you know something that will get you into these parties: You know the type: saying that they “know a guy, who knows a guy, that dated someone’s sister that might have tickets for a party”. These are the types that watch VH1 and MTV celebrity shows religiously, and see the Super Bowl as their chance to schmooze with celebrities. If you are going to do that, just stay in the freakin’ suburbs, please…

8. Important tip - Do call any downtown bar ahead of time, to see if they are allowing people to watch the game. People thinking that bars downtown are just going to welcome them with open arms, guess again. Private parties may already be set up, and your favorite bar may not welcome you that night.

So, there are my main tips for Super Bowl week. Remember, you can always go to the Winter Blast, and catch a cold, if that interests you. Even though I was sarcastic throughout most of this guide, there will be plenty of things for locals. But let’s face it, most of those will not be glitzy and glamorous. And most of all, if there is one thing you will learn about the Super Bowl week in your hometown it’s this: It’s not about the locals. It’s about the money that will be brought in and the out-of-towners that will grace us with their presence. Now, let’s play some football!