I just have to do it. This has been angering me for nearly a month now, and I’m ready to spew. I am sitting here, resting from getting teeth pulled, and coming out of my Vicodin-induced slumber. So, before the bubbling volcano of my wrath erupts and I start pulling the stitches out of the back of my mouth, let me get this off my chest:

Who gave Kevin Federline the f---ing right, to make one song, let alone TWO?

When I think of that low-level life form known as Kevin Federline, I have to look to the dictionary for a certain term. Here is what it says:

Mooch (noun):

1. To receive gifts, or food from a more economically stable person. 2. To find yourself mysteriously in the company of wealthier people. 3. KEVIN FEDERLINE.

Ok, I may have thrown that third one in there, but the other two definitions are completely legit. If you haven’t heard (or didn’t hear me mention in the 2006 Preview), Kevin “K-Fed” Federline has decided now that he has scorched the once hot career of teen pop icon Britney Spears, he has decided he is going to be the breadwinner of the dysfunctional family he’s responsible for. Now that Britney’s career is in freefall, K-Fed has decided that he has the lyrical flow of Eminem, and that his best move would be as a rapper.

What better way to support his litter of kids through the United States, and the one he has at home with the ever growing blob that is Britney, than to try his skills at a legitimate rap career? A nice idea, but if you have heard his first song “Y’all Ain’t Ready”, there is one BIG problem: Plain and simple, he just can’t rap.

He’s using some techno beat, as he spits out furious lines about “calling him daddy”, and “busting into 2008”. Sorry Kevin, last time I checked, its 2006. Maybe his label changed its mind about the release date (oh, wait… he has no label. My bad.), or maybe he’s planning a baby bro for Sean. Big mistake either way you cut it. Horrible is an understatement for “Y’All Ain’t Ready”. I wish that was the end of it, but we’re not that lucky.

Hot on the heels of “Y’all Ain’t Ready”, is his new song “PapaZao”, which supposedly is Portuguese for “nice ass”. As we can tell, Federline is a cunning linguist, and ready to unleash a whole album’s worth of this “material” on the world.

Much to his own surprise perhaps (but not ours), he is unsigned at this point. I think most of us are saying, “thank the almighty Lord”, but you know what will happen: Some small label will take a chance at making some quick money off the novelty of the Daddy Dirtbag. I wish I could tell you that you are safe from the coming onslaught of lame flows from Kevin Federline, but I can’t. Perhaps we can send these raps to Pakistan or Afghanistan, as a way to smoke Osama Bin Laden out of his cave. Who knows? It might work.

So if, and when his album does come out, I will say this to Deion Sanders, Shaquille O’Neal, Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas, Joey Lawrence, and that dude from the Heights: You are forgiven! I would rather listen to any of your albums any day of the week, than have to listen to even two songs from Kevin Federline. I know Shaq’s got skills, and Deion really is “Prime Time”. I can hear Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat”…Ok, maybe not.

Please just give me anything else, so K-Fed doesn’t enter my musical nightmares. I, and probably everyone in the civilized world can honestly say that “We’all Ain’t Ready”!