Dear Haters,

When I am not enraging the masses with my thoughts on music and other random life events, I hold down a regular job which requires me to travel a bit, especially during the fall. (So, if you’re expecting a response to one of my e-mails this time of year, don’t hold your breath.)

On average, I spend about 3 to 4 weeks of my fall season in the Buckeye State, and most of that time realizing that the people of Ohio don’t really like us Michiganders a whole hell of a lot. Dear Haters,

When I am not enraging the masses with my thoughts on music and other random life events, I hold down a regular job which requires me to travel a bit, especially during the fall. (So, if you’re expecting a response to one of my e-mails this time of year, don’t hold your breath.)

On average, I spend about 3 to 4 weeks of my fall season in the Buckeye State, and most of that time realizing that the people of Ohio don’t really like us Michiganders a whole hell of a lot.

It’s the same stereotypes that play between the states: Michigan residents think Ohioans are farmers and simpletons; Ohio residents think Michiganders are thugs and will shoot them down at a moment’s notice.

With that knowledge, I will share my experiences of the first of a many part series on my voyage through different areas, and go to the places Dave Attell from “Insomniac” wouldn’t waste his time with. Don’t worry music fans; there are plenty of interesting musical tidbits and anecdotes through this column. Let the journey begin…

CINCINNATI, OHIO (September 13th ): After riding down the most boring strip of highway in the entire United States (I-75 in Ohio), and listening through 8 CDs on a near four hour trip, I reached Covington, Kentucky. In case you don’t know, Covington is a suburb of Cincinnati. You gotta love Kentucky’s state motto “Where Education Pays.” Kentucky forgets to say “Where Education Pays: For the 12 People That Have One.”

I head into Cincinnati for a baseball game, and realize that Cincinnati is a lot like Detroit, just with a lot of hills. They have never made a cool movie about Cincinnati or anything; all I can remember is that rollerblading cheesefest “Airborne,” with a 19 year old Jack Black telling the class how much he liked Nintendo. I’m sorry, that’s all I remember about the movie, so you can figure what sort of view I had of the town.

The music at the game is the same stuff I would hear at Comerica Park, and the radio stations were exactly the same. 101 is still a rock station, and 95 something is a top 40 station. Did Clear Channel designate what numbers rock and pop stations can be? If so, we all might be in trouble.

Now, folks in Cincinnati are a little more receptive to Michiganders than some parts of Ohio. And if they live in Kentucky, there better not be any ridicule of Michigan. A peanut vendor I talked with for a moment found out I was from Michigan, he asked me if I lived close to Eminem. I didn’t want the bum to knife me, so I said “sure.” As you can tell, I end up talking to the most unusual people when on the road. Hey, when you spend lots of time on your own for work, you wind up talking with people you wouldn’t even look at while at home.

FINDLAY, OHIO (September 14th): Welcome to Flag City U.S.A. folks, and for me, it was like staying in the town from “Footloose.” I don’t think these kids can dance, or smile, or eat at something that isn’t a Wendy’s or McDonald’s. Obviously, the movie “Super Size Me” never made it to Findlay.

This town has no radio stations of interest. A decent station’s signal became a light jazz station. Now, I don’t have a problem with jazz, but listening to more than 3 minutes of it makes me think I am in a dentist’s office.

I was stuck in Findlay while working, but I did have an interesting bit of music infusion. I think one of the students at the luncheon I was at was having a little fun with the choice of music, because I heard old Incubus and Mudvayne at lunch. Believe me, you ever want to get an old fart from Ohio uptight, play “Not Falling” by Mudvayne for 30 seconds, and watch them try to sing the Ohio State fight song.

Kiddies, let me tell you, these people aren’t real receptive to people from Michigan. If you ever have to drive through Ohio to get to somewhere good, make sure you have enough gas before the state line and stop to refill in another state. If you really have to fill up in Ohio, get the gas and get the hell out.

Pray for me everyone, I’ve got another month or so (off and on) to go through before the excursion is done.

Sincerely,
Art Michalski