I am truly gutted! Agog! Just when I thought all was going so well in life, I was hit with question 14! I simply do not know what to do.

OK Shad, back-track here.

Last Year I was recalled to sunny England (it was 21st August, the only day the sun smiled on my green and pleasant land) to give a report to the mandarins in Whitehall of my progress at returning the United States of America back to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II (gawd luv ‘er). Before this could take place of course, I needed to exit the US, so a trip to the INS was scheduled to make sure that once I left, I would be allowed back in!

I have to state, for the record, the INS office staff in Detroit are utterly, totally and wonderfully awesome. After spending barely minutes in a line I was ushered forward to hear my fate and was pleasantly surprised that all my documentation was in order, and notwithstanding one or two malicious comments found in DetroitBuzz columns, I would be allowed back in. So far, so good.

Ah Mr. Shad, are you aware you can apply for citizenship now?

I was not!

"Oh yes, you have completed your qualification period and you are eligible to become an American."

Now this was promising, as it would further my endeavor’s in becoming part of the establishment, allowing me to turn the US to British rule from the inside.

"Here is a list of possible questions you may be asked to complete your application, thank you, have a nice day, y’all!

I left with a smile and a fist full of paperwork which would make exciting reading on the transatlantic puddle jump.

The questionnaire was pretty basic and just a composite of questions that I may get asked when I went for my final interview for citizenship…..

1. Can you both speak and write English? …….
Official Answer Yes or No

2. What do the 13 stripes in the American flag denote?
Official Answer: Original # of Colonies etc.

---fast forward---

14. Which country did the Americans fight in the Revolutionary war?
Official Answer: England

15. How many st …. Woh! WOH! WOH!!!! ---rewind---

England? Maybe I miss read it. No, definitely England. So let me put this together: The Americans fought England in the Revolutionary War. So no Scottish people involved then, or Welsh or Irish? Just the English. No British? Nope, only the English it would seem….

The questionnaire is about 50 questions long and was given out to anyone who wanted to naturalize… ANYONE! So when I return to the INS and form an orderly queue (line) with 2 other countrymen, Mexicans, an Egyptian and some guy from Madagascar, they will all believe that the Americans fought (and some say beat) against the English!

Well it just will not do!

My dilemma is compounded by the fact that if I mention this to any official I maybe deemed belligerent and unworthy of citizenship. On the other hand, if don’t mention it then I am letting my own place of birth down which in turn, would give thought to the fact that I do not care about my country of origin enough, so why should America let me in?!

I have an answer. It came to me as I was contemplating the meaning of life in the tiny airplane water closet.

I am off to Mexico for a gender transplant! I am working on the premise that if I am screwed either way, I may as well be capable of enjoying it.