A wise man once said, “Underwater fight scenes are the drum solo’s of movies” if that’s true then Into the Blue is the equivalent of an 110 minute drum solo. The film presents us with four completely unlikable characters: Jared, Sam, Bryce and Amanda. We’re not given their last names and, thankfully, we’re apparently not supposed to care. Jared is our hero and is played by Paul Walker (of 2 Fast 2 Furious fame). He’s a top-notch diver who’s fed up with working for the man. We meet him as he quits his job (his boss is a demanding white collar pig) to follow his lifelong dream to search for sunken treasure, a noble pursuit, true, mankind will certainly benefit from it. However I’m inclined to believe that there may be some underlying scheme for personal gain. His sugary-sweet girlfriend Sam is played by Jessica ‘my eyes are up here guys’ Alba. She loves her hunky guy any way she can get him, if he lives in a shack on a doc with his boat up on blocks that’s cool with her. Good thing too, since that’s what she’s got. I definitely think that Jessica Alba as a sugar mama is pretty realistic, not that I’m a stickler for realism. In case you were worried that you might not get your groove on, the first fifteen minutes of this movie is them making out. The sad part is, it’s more disgusting than titillating.

Next up in our parade of winners is Bryce, a lawyer from the mainland (oh – didn’t I mention that our couple lives in the Bahamas?) who’s come down to take possession of a mansion and yacht that he’s acquired. Bryce is played by Scott Caan from the Ocean’s films and essentially reprises his role as Turk Malloy here. His girlfriend, Amanda (Ashley Scott), “picked him up” in the airport lobby or some such crap and they proceed to grope each other for the remainder of the movie.

For the next four hours we watch as these beautiful, sexy, ripped, rich morons do some extreme drinking, extreme scuba diving, extreme snorkeling and even more extreme jet skiing. That is, until they stumble upon the grand prize: a sunken civil war ship called the Zephyr. Apparently the theme in Hollywood now-a-days is missing Civil War ships (note to producer: see Sahara for how to do this correctly) unfortunately, our ship is sitting about 5 feet away from a downed airplane that was carrying every ounce of the cocaine in Colombia. Here’s where Scooby and the gang need to make a choice: report the plane to the proper authorities and risk losing salvage rights or ignore the plane and risk angry drug dealers (not to mention the infinite temptation of all that coke right there). We can all guess which way they choose to go.

There is one saving grace to this movie – and no, it’s not the underwater fight scene shot in slow motion – it’s coked up sharks. Take nature’s finest predator and get it agitated, paranoid and in the mood for munchies, now that’s some good cinema! If they would have started with that premise we might have had a decent film, but instead we’re stuck with this (very effective) cure for insomnia. Avoid this one at all costs; you’ll thank me in the end.

Into the Blue opens nationwide September 30th

Dave can be reached at dkerr@detroitbuzz.com .