I had to get to bed. I had to be up for work early, god knows what was gonna be thrown at me that morning. I wasn’t really ready to fall asleep, so I decided to turn on some TV, see what was going on in the world, and sports:

Flip to ESPN: Ah, now I get to watch how bad all my fantasy football players suck. Oh, only if I could find Daunte Culpepper in a dark alley right now…. Two weeks of misery for yours truly. So, I flip some more.

Ah, crap; MTV is showing “My Super Sweet 16”. Turn it off now. Nothing is worse than watching bratty spoiled girls spending thousands of dollars on their 16th birthday party. Please, my 16th birthday consisted of dinner at Olive Garden, followed by a movie. Now, that’s hardcore. These girls are looking like they will be the real life equivalent to the characters on “Desperate Housewives”. No wonder things are so screwed up…

Flip again: Cripes, there’s Tara Reid on her E show, “Taradise”. Real inventive name, Tara… She almost makes you long for Paris Hilton. That, or a stiff drink… Honestly, I’d rather have the drink. Or some hemlock.

So, I decided to turn on some videos on the greatest invention in the history of overpriced cable: On Demand. I started noticing that I really haven’t sat down and watched some videos in a while. For those that don’t watch videos anymore; here is what you are missing; the good and the bad….

Dave Matthews Band- “Dreamgirl”. Please Jesus, get Julia Roberts off my television right now. First, she screws up “Ocean’s Twelve”, and now she is getting into a Dave Matthews video. All I noticed, is how ragged she looked. But let’s face it, when didn’t she look ragged? Pretty Woman, my a--. More like the real Erin Brockovitch.

Missy Elliott- “Lose Control”- Good beat, with some weird wild west bar setting. Okay. But, wait, what in the hell in this? Why is Tommy Lee trying to dance with her? Dude, you got the Crue back together. Get the hell out of her video, and get back to screaming at girls to take their tops off in concert.

Green Day- “Wake Me Up When September Ends”- Talk about Mel-o-f’in-dramatic. Geez, eight minutes of the kid from “Billy Elliott” and the delinquent from “Thirteen” making out before he gets shipped to Iraq. Green Day has put out a great record, but this is a cheeseball fest at best. At least there is some battle action towards the end… All right, let’s go to the next video.

Ying Yang Twins w/ Mike Jones- “Badd”- Ok, all of them are in a suite in Vegas, gettin’ crunkastic. It is some of the most generic, stereotypical video footage I have ever seen; cobbled together with big butts, booze, and Vegas. And why have I now watched it four times in a row? I am gonna be humming this all day tomorrow…

My Chemical Romance- “Helena”- Why does this band look so pale while being pallbearers at a funeral? Is it because the band is from New Jersey, and it is an acid rain storm? Maybe… Probably? And this dead girl is kinda hot… Is it wrong that I’m feel the temperature rise a bit looking at her? Flip!

Pussycat Dolls- “Don’t Cha”- Ok, these girls make Milli Vanilli look talented. You have one girl that is singing, and the rest of them are riding around in a dune buggy, or kicking at the air. Who says style doesn’t sell records? Also, it’s clear Busta Rhymes has sold his soul to the Devil for appearing in this video, and actually looking interested. (Must be some kind of payback or something.)

Kanye West- “Diamonds From Sierra Leone”- Wow! They don’t make rap videos like this. I am being dead serious. It looks like it has an Eastern European setting, and West is playing air piano in some church, and looking like James Bond in the process. This is something that I would see U2 or Madonna do, not from a hip-hop star. Congratulations Kanye, you should be proud of the video.

So, I went to bed, wondering why most videos are just so bad. But, like anytime in music video history, you are gonna have your Nirvana videos, and then you have Amy Grant’s “Baby, Baby”, or some crap like that. But hey, these channels, or On Demand needs filler to. Where is a good Darkness video when I need one, damn it?

Night all… I’ll see you in the morning if Diddy doesn’t kill me in my sleep.