Review – Transporter 2

Thursday, September 08, 2005
Starring: Jason Statham, Alessandro Gassman, Amber Valleta, Kate Nauta, Matthew Modine
Written by: Luc Besson & Robert Mark Kamen
Directed by: Louis Leterrier

It pains me to even attempt to dignify this movie by summarizing the completely inane plot. But I will, if only to help you understand how truly, horribly, painfully awful this movie is.

In the grand tradition of crappy sequels, you needn’t see the first film to understand the second. In fact, there is nothing you could humanly have accomplished that would allow you to understand this film.

Statham plays Frank Martin, a former undercover operative or something like that who now makes a living as a transporter, hence the title.

The plot is a band of merry terrorists have unleashed a biological weapon through kidnapping a politician’s (Modine) child and injecting him with a serum that will be spread to anyone who shares the air with the child.

Very familiar – terrorists, politics and chemical warfare. Cliché.

Granted, the driving stunts are quite awesome as is much of the fight choreography. Statham is still hot, but spends much less time shirtless in this film than he did in the original, which I found to be highly disappointing. It was the main reason that I chose to waste 88 minutes of my life. More bare-chest time could have saved this movie.

However, the stunts are tired in comparison to the original – nothing new, really. And you can’t enjoy them because your brain is too busy trying to fill in all the holes in the logic of events.

For example, Frank manages to obtain some antidote for the virus. The child has been infected and has been in contact with his mother and father and several officers. Frank injects the mother with the virus. At least, I assume she is the only one he injects – that’s all I saw. Unless I blinked for a minute, he didn’t inject the child. ???

Then, Mom passes out and has to go to the hospital. Why – not enough antidote? I don’t get it.

Dad goes to a political meeting and exposes hundred of people to the virus. He’s hospitalized none of the officers who accompany him and who have been exposed for the same amount of time are. No one else is shown afflicted either, despite the passing of time that would be sufficient for the virus to have been incubated. I guess the filmmakers didn’t want to create Mtoo much suspense.

Frank goes after the head terrorist who has injected himself with the antidote. I’m assuming the antidote works like the virus – airborne upon contact, so anyone who’s infected who comes in contact with someone who has ingested the antidote will be cured.

I’m no scientist, but I don’t think this is physically possible.

SPOILER ALERT!! The terrorist is eventually caught by Frank and everyone is cured. But we are never shown how. I suppose we are to assume all infected persons received the antidote. Or is this like a vampire virus, and since the head ‘vampire’ has been captured, all who were infected because of him are cured. ???

Also, no true love interest takes place. Frank has a crush on the kid’s mom, but she’s married, even though she clearly despises dad and even offers herself to Frank. But he’s a gentleman, and I’m bored.

It always kind of pissed me off that any male and female lead had to fall in love, or at least lust. But I see know that for that not to happen is really, really, really dull.

I can think of nothing redeeming about this film. It was just worthless. Don't... waste... your... time!

Grade: F