I don’t like baseball. Aside from The Natural, I don’t like baseball movies. I’ve never seen the original Bad News Bears, and don’t particularly care to. On top of that, while I’m decidedly pro “Mom” I’m one hundred percent anti “Pie” (especially if it has apples). That’s right, I’m a communist, or something similar (If I don’t have hooves and a tail, then I probably slither). So maybe that has tainted my thoughts on this particular film, but I don’t think so. It allows me to be aloof, better than your average viewer sitting there with his big pretzel and 97 oz coke, always blocking my view the bastar… oh, sorry. Now where was I?

I knew this was going to be a fun movie to see, not because the movie was any good, no I had no illusions there! No, it was because of all the kids waiting outside to see it. The theater was PACKED with dads and sons. The dads were there so that they could re-experience the same crap they did back in 1976 when their dad took them to see the original. It was going to be a bonding moment filled with great gushing memories to last a lifetime. “Remember when the fat kid got picked on? Yeah! How ‘bout that cripple!” Apparently they all missed the trailers. That’s not what this movie was made for. When the first “shit” was dropped I saw a few dads flinch, but most laughed thinking mildly to themselves “hmm, standards have dropped a little since my day!” Boy, have they. I don’t think I’ve heard the words “shit” and “ass” used as much in a movie since I saw The South Park movie. But that was just the beginning, the language just kept getting worse. A particularly favorite scene is when one of the kids is trying to teach the, very geeky kid, how to flip someone the bird. I just wished that school was in session!

So, we’ve established that the film “isn’t for kids” so that must mean that it’s a raunchy great time filled with zingers, hotties and maybe just a bit of nostalgia for the adults then right? Wrongo baby! While there are plenty of one-liners (most of them put out by Billy Bob) they’re pretty weak, and there aren’t enough to carry the hour and fifty-one minutes. But at least the scenery is good… right?? Well if you’re into Greg Kinnear’s “package” then you’re golden! I’ll save you a seat! And if you haven’t guessed already if you’re feeling nostalgic for the original Bad News Bears then this will probably make you run into the parking lot and hurl up your fancy-ass pretzel.

Watching the film is more like watching a train wreck – no matter how hard you try you can’t take your eyes off the horror. Out of context some of the elements might seem funny. But as a whole it’s just painful, tragic and has the lingering the smell of rotting fish. The key point being that while I gather that the original was a satire of suburban little league (ultra competitive, vicarious living, etc.) this is a satire of a satire and in the end the message is muddied, the point is more or less lost and we’re left with nothing but sight gags, one liners and Greg Kinnear’s nuts.

Dave can be reached at dkerr@detroitbuzz.com .