The why…
Bleaching a European suntan in my home town of Melton Mowbray, Leicestershire, England some years back, a thought struck me – how are my colonial cousins doing I wonder? A brief hop across the Atlantic, westward to that rather small county off the west coast of Wales and I arrived in America, specifically Detroit, to find out.

Now admittedly, I was behind the times. Apparently, some 200 years or so ago our countries had a little ‘tiff’ and the death knell of British colonialism was heard throughout the empire when the Brit’s were given their marching orders [Ed. got your ass kicked]. However, being a kind hearted sort of chap, I was prepared to let bygones be bygones and accept America, on behalf of my Queen, back into the bosom of our ever-so slightly diminished Kingdom.

I’m agog!
So what the hell happened? We left you laws and language to build a nation on and you bastardized both. Our ‘rejects’ on the Mayflower delivered the ultimate puritanical ethos to this land and you totally reversed it! Our penal colony consisted of a +90% Caucasian ethnicity and this has seen a one-eighty also. But all this pales against what you have done to our ‘T’.

To the point…
I refer not to the Boston Earl Gray variety of T, nor the little peg used to balance accentuated faded golf shots from, but the plain and simple letter T. The 20th letter of the alphabet spelled tee and pronounced tee is the result of millennia of streamlining and honing of the number one language spoken in the world today. But apparently not in Michigan, oh no, here a T is like a turn signal – an optional extra to be used sparingly lest its meaning is devalued – it’s a friggin’ T not a D. There, I have said it.

I can live with you dropping vowels like a dress on prom night, I even laud your attempts at abbreviating words to aid the less fortunate spellers amongst you, but to insert a D when a T it should be [Ed. Almost poetic] is tantamount to Presidential interns wearing razor-wire teeth braces – it should not happen!

To top it all, I can’t even blame the misuse of the T on my black brudders – they have their own language and deservedly so after hearing everyone else abuse the T. No, it’s you white types that are doing it wrong. The next time I have my order repeated as ‘bit of bedder budder on you’re doasd’ I will shid a brick!

An appeal…
Save the T. It’s a nice letter, one of the easier ones to employ and features in the top 5 of all letters used today. Enunciate it, move it around in your mouth like an old friend and spit it out as a hard consonant, not some namby pamby soft D sound.

Next time…. Fags, I smoke them, you scorn them, why can’t we all just get along.

The British Guy has decided it’s time Americans learn the differences between them and their brethren across the pond. Fortunately, no matter what discrepancies the Brits and Yanks may have with one another one thing can be agreed on, at least it’s not France.