So here we are again. Since my last missive I have been ill, sick even. A strange feeling deep in the base of my stomach, akin to knotting and pre-evacuation tensing. After checking medical tomes at home and on-line, it appears I have a severe case of guilt – who would have thought it? A further bout of introspection and the guilt was found to be directly related to my articles herein. I think I have been bashing the Americans too much and by way of balance I have penned this entry to try and redeem myself.

He speaks with forked tongue

OK, so maybe not guilt, but as I am a member of the British expatriate community, I thought it only fair to poke fun at some of the stupid things we Brits do.

Now the ‘British Way’ is one of pseudo-culture and all things proper. This is solely based on our need to appear to be better than everyone else. Again, this is underpinned by the laws of our land, which promote this ethos, but regrettably do not bear close scrutiny.

By way of example, I researched a few of our stranger laws, both current and past, and share them here, with you, dear reader.

• With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.
  So much for adding to my porn collection on a Sunday!
• London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats (Repealed 1976).
  I think this law was made so we Brits could have the same load as a New York cab – I could be wrong.
• The severest penalties will be suffered by any commoner who doth permit his animal to have carnal knowledge of a pet of the Royal House (enacted by George I).
  I wonder if Prince Charles is aware of this law – I mean Camilla looks like a horse.
• It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).
  Right, got it – no getting drunk in the bar, only at work.
• It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third person.
  Guess I can’t take SuperDave to England then.
• Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).
  This explains why we do not have Denny’s in England.
• It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks (enacted by Edward VI).
  Next time you meet Queen Liz, do so wearing only socks – it’s legal!
• A bed may not be hung out of a window.
  Strike that position out of the Kama Sutra.
• It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
  Now you can see why the Brit women are so thin.
• During his reign, Oliver Cromwell banned the eating of mince pies on Christmas day, as they were insufficiently Puritan.
  And we wonder why they exported the Puritans to America.
• Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
  Don’t bring a blow up doll home.
• It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.
  Baggage gets lonely.
• Picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism.
  This should be pinned up at Heathrow Airport.
• Those wishing to purchase a television must also buy a license.
  This makes me laugh – we have 2 licenses in the UK – Black and White and Color! We even have to have a license to listen to a radio!!!
• It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour.
  Bra and Panties however are fine for all the guys.
• Destroying or defacing money is illegal.
  And just plain stupid!
• If a steam locomotive is driven on roads, a man must walk in front of the vehicle with a red flag during the day and a red lantern at night to warn passersby.
  I wonder how they advertised this job on Monster.com.
• All steam locomotives are limited to 4mph on roads.
  And the guy in front is limited to 3mph.
• Anal sex is prohibited.
  Remember, these laws had to be passed by the King at the time – how could they sign this stuff off with a straight face? Buggery is part of their education at the all boy prep schools.
• You may not make out in public.
• It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.
  Good thing I am left handed.
• Committing suicide is classified as a capital crime.
  Do it and you could be hung!
• Interfering with the mail or sleeping with the consort of the Queen is classed as treason, and as such, carries a maximum penalty of death.
  So don’t be humping Prince Phillip and taking a sneak look at his letters at the same time.
• Placing a postage stamp that bears the Queen (or King) upside down is considered treason.
  Be serious!
• A license is required to keep a lunatic.
  Where do I get these licenses? I need at least a dozen for work.
• Damaging the grass is illegal.
  Have you seen the price of pot nowadays?
• Jesuits, Seminary Priests, and other suchlike disobedient persons must be banished.
  We banished them all to the States.
• Since 1313, MPs are not allowed to don armor in Parliament.
  Don-Armor? Wasn’t he in the Godfather?

Strange City Laws

Chester - You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

Hereford - You may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close.

Liverpool - It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

London - Companies may vote in local elections, No cows may be driven down the roadway between 10 AM and 7 PM unless there is prior approval from the Commissioner of Police.

York - Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

Isle of Man - Crossbows are banned

Isle of Sark - All land must be left to the eldest son, Divorces are outlawed.

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The British Guy has decided it’s time Americans learn the differences between them and their brethren across the pond. Fortunately, no matter what discrepancies the Brits and Yanks may have with one another one thing can be agreed on, at least it’s not France. The British Guy can be contacted at shaddyho@hotmail.com.