Brylcream boys do it in the air
In the UK, I spent a few years in the service of Her Majesty, The Queen (Gawd luv’ ‘er), and during the mid-80s I had the pleasure of spending a few weeks with the Special Air Service (SAS) in the jungles of Belize. During my stay, they explained that the UK Senior Specialist Military Service (Navy Seals equivalent, I guess) occasionally sent one of their medical guys over to the United States, either New York or Detroit, to get hands on firearms trauma training. Both NY and Detroit could be assured in giving fresh victims on a daily basis for our military field doctors to watch and learn from.

Chicken or the egg
This lead to me thinking about cause and effect; US = firearms, shooting, hunting, cheerleaders, apple pie, and the great American way, etc. Why should one of the most advanced nations on the planet have such a terrible track record in gun related violence? And equally important, what is being done to counter the threat?

The Crux
OK, bear with me here. This is not a critique on the current situation, etc. I care not that the NRA is such a tour-de-force in the U.S., it matters not that a ‘right-to-bear-arms’ is an American constitutional thing created back when the Brits were pounding on your doors asking for the country back; no, no, I believe the problem is very simple and video evidence is available to you all…

Detective/Cop SHOWS!

All Aboard
I was raised on U.S. cop shows in England, and looking back I can see a fundamental flaw in the majority of shows reflecting ‘normal’ American life – you have to be missing something ‘upstairs’ to be an American cop!

The Rockford Files: Private Dick (snicker) – his answering machine messages gave you an insight into this flawed character.

-Aura Lee, Farewell [114] Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could you call me at...my name is, uh, never mind. Forget it.
-In Hazard [218] Mr. Rockford, Miss Miller of the Bartlet Book Club. "Great Detectives Of America" is not in stock, so we sent you "Cooking Made Easy." Hope you enjoy it

Ironside: Wheelchair bound superhero – happens all the time right?

Hawaii Five-O: I once read that this was one of the longest running cop shows ever, which is cool if you also note more un-armed ‘perps’ were shot on this show than in any other.

Columbo: Be serious! A character more suited to hanging around with Michael Jackson at the local schoolyard – flasher coat included!

Starsky & Hutch: (personal favorite) Huggy Bear was totally believable, and even now I can here some of our inner city brothers cringing at the portrayal of a ‘super-pimp.’ When I grow up, I wanna be Huggy!

Charlie’s Angels: OK, hallowed ground here, but I can believe being outsmarted by 3 women, out-beaten by 3 women, out-coiffured by 3 women – but they never showed the episodes where all the women were on the same menstrual cycle and just bitched out Charlie for an hour or two – some reality.

Police Woman: Damn, those stiletto heeled pumps can make you run fast!

The Rookies: Which begat S.W.A.T., which begat Charlie’s Angels, which begat a severe dose of nausea, diarrhea, and the sudden urge to display my bollocks in public.

Cagney & Lacey: Super-blimp of Oprah-esque proportions and her sidekick, the ugly one who can’t keep a man. If I was in charge, I would sure want these girls out on the streets saving my butt, I think.

Baretta: I rest my case

CHiPs: The real reason Mexican-Americans were accepted into the A-list of the acting elite. It was a shame that the apparent off screen hatred between Larry Wilcox and Eric Estrada migrated to the on-screen personas of Bobby & Ponch – did I mention it was boring too?

Kojak: Cannot criticize a man who had a number 1 hit in the U.K. pop music charts – well, okay, maybe a little bit. What was with the lollipop? And the catchphrase “Who loves yer baby?” has proven to have little effect on the women in my local bar.

Streets of San Francisco; I took one look at the big nose guy (Karl) and his sidekick (Mike) and just knew that neither of them were ever going to amount to anything. Oh, and by the way, give us back Catherine Zeta-Jones dammit!

T.J. Hooker: Scotty, beam me friggin’ well up!

In summary… to close… to end… to not put too finer point on it…
I am sure I have missed hundreds of other references here, but the problem remains the same throughout. Until Hollywood can give us a credible cop/detective on a weekly basis, the gun problem throughout the U.S. will still be with us.

No wait – I have it! Picture a diminutive man, with say,hmmm, a fixation on keeping germs and the like away from him, dress him down, take away any resemblance to good looks and give him a simple name hmmm, something like Abbot, no, no, Cassock, no, no, Monk!

The world is saved, come and worship in my temple.

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The British Guy has decided it’s time Americans learn the differences between them and their brethren across the pond. Fortunately, no matter what discrepancies the Brits and Yanks may have with one another one thing can be agreed on, at least it’s not France. The British Guy can be contacted at shaddyho@hotmail.com.