It is rare that I share a story about someone else, but this one could not be ignored. It happened to my friend, or perhaps my friend happened to it… his name is John Louse. This is my recap of how he relayed it to me:

Voicemail #1 from John Louse: "Dude, call me I need to talk to you."
Voicemail #2 from JL: "Call me as soon as you can, we have things to discuss."
Voicemail #3 from JL: "Dude, I have a serious situation to discuss with you."

Phone Call from Bohb Blair: Hey, sorry it took me so long to get back to you, what’s up?

JL: Dude, I am dealing with a situation here. I had a run-in with a police ocifer (dialect note: JL pronounces the word ‘Officer’ as ‘Ocifer’ for some reason. I have always assumed it was a posturing of disrespect to the role of the police as JL has issues with government mandated authority figures.)

BB: Oh no… what happened?
JL: I was standing in my yard the other day and a police car pulled up and the cop asked me to come over to his window. Of course I refused as I was on private property and was not legally bound to leave my private property without a warrant. I know my rights.
BB: Ummm, yeah…

JL: So the cop demands my name and address and to see photo ID. I gave him my name and address, my address being the very property I was standing on, and told him I had no photo ID on me. Which was true. This is the mistake I made, because in actuality I did not have to provide him with my address, only my name.
BB: OK…

JL: Then he tells me that if I do not have photo ID that I need to come stand in front of his car for video identification. Of course I again refuse citing my previously stated knowledge that I do not have to leave my private property without a warrant. Also, I know that I am intoxicated and that if I leave my private property then he COULD arrest me for public intoxication, so this was a very strategic move on my part.
BB: Sounds wise…

JL: Yeah. So, this cop is getting visibly annoyed. I know you haven’t seen my place, but I have a fence around the yard that is about waist high.
BB: OK…

JL: So this cop, he starts RUNNING towards me! Now Bohb, I don’t know what his intentions were. I’m not sure if he was planning on attacking me, if he was going to jump on me, if he was just trying to cover ground quickly or maybe he was going to jump the fence. But, the next thing I know the cop is on the ground. I swear Bohb, I didn’t touch him.
BB: Oh no…

JL: I think maybe he tripped over a root
BB: Oh no…

JL: So now the cop is really mad and he is yelling at me and telling me I have to come over to his squad car and I have to provide ID. I told him again that I was NOT going to leave my private property and that I had no photo ID to provide. That I had given him my name and address and that was all he would receive without a warrant.
BB: Oh no…

JL: So this cop, he’s getting really mad now and he continues to yell at me as he goes back to his squad car.
BB: OK…

JL: So, he’s gone for a while and then he comes back
BB: And?

JL: Bohb, you won’t believe it. This cop, he gave me a CITATION for having a BONFIRE in a RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD! (in total disbelief)
BB: Ummmm, John? Did you have a bonfire going in your yard?

JL: Yeah
BB: What were you burning?
JL: My mail.

BB: What? (Incredulous) John, did you have a shirt on at this time?
JL: No.
BB: Do you still have that huge beard and unkempt hair? (ed. note: Some may call this particular style of unkempt hair a mullet.)
JL: Yes.

BB: So, you are trying to tell me that you were burning your mail in a bonfire in the yard of your residential neighborhood and that a cop came by, probably because he got a call from a concerned neighbor, where he encountered a shirtless crazy looking man who refuses to show ID and is completely uncooperative?!
JL: I was completely within my rights. I was using the fire to cook food, which is legal. I checked.

BB: John, you are insane.
JL: I was doing nothing illegal

Note: John Louse is now pursuing this in court. Rather than pay the $75 fine he is risking 90 days in jail and a $750 fine to have this heard by a jury of his ‘peers’. If they can find any.