Mitch's Movies Horrorfest 2007 | Horrorfest 2007 |
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| Written by Taryn Shick | |
| Thursday, 15 November 2007 | |
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Horrorfest 2007 was even worse than Horrorfest 2006. How could this be possible? It is my opinion that the people involved in Horrorfest are merely cashing in on a hot trend and actually have no idea what makes a good horror movie. Contrary to what many think, you cannot just toss in ample amounts of gore, mix in an ample amount of ample bosoms and other sexual entities and a few cheap scares and come out with a good horror flick. The real recipe for a good horror movie involves well-developed characters for whom you care about and are invested in whether or not they live or die, gore that supports the story, a story worthy of being supported and a generous amount of subtext. I keep saying this, yet apparently no one is listening.
It appears that the films that comprise this year’s Suckfest, er, I mean, Horrorfest, were chosen based on their similarities to other, far superior films. I take my horror very seriously; some may say too seriously. But I am sickened by the lack of respect for the horror genre that Horrorfest represents. It is hard enough to defend the genre when truly great films are involved. But when films such as these get grouped in with the truly great films, it’s nigh impossible to explain the difference. There are people who make horror films to make money and there are people who make horror films because they have something to say. The latter may present shocking and graphic images, but they make a statement. The former haven’t a clue about what the genre is really worth. Horrorfest is most definitely made up of that type. I found this year’s films to be so painfully excruciating, except for one, that I declined to even see all of the films. After sitting through the first six, I could not bring myself to endure the final two. So here are the reviews for those six plus comments on the other two. Perhaps I will view the other two when they come to video. Unearthed
Summary: Ancient creatures return from the depths of the caves of a town in New Mexico to wreak havoc. Review: Well, there was havoc. And it definitely reeked. The creatures were poor CGI renderings that looked like someone tried to create what a baby between Alien and Predator might look like. The action was weak and often obscured by bad lighting and poor camera angles. The characters were boring. There was a backstory that was continually used in the film that really served no purpose. It was an attempt to define one of the main characters and to create suspense but failed to do so and was never even completely revealed. Charlie “Eddie’s Brother” Murphy was a crude stereotype. He hailed from Detroit, because apparently, all black people come from Detroit. He referenced Tupac and $40 dollar hookers, because naturally, this is all he knows. One character discusses lipid content. He responds, “That’s a big word.” Not only can he not count, he has no vocabulary. Wow. Top this all off with an all-knowing character who has dedicated his life to destroying the creatures, impossible explanations that magically are understood in seconds and a vague and pointless ending, and wallah – a complete waste of time is born. Someone should bury this film and hope it is never again unearthed. Film(s) rip-off attempt: Alien; Predator
Note: It’s too bad this wasn’t as good as Mr. Leutwyler’s previous film, Dead & Breakfast. D & B was a far better film. The Deaths of Ian Stone
Summary: Ian Stone continually is killed and reborn into a different life after each death. He must find out why to stop this vicious cycle. Review: I know what you’re thinking. I saw this before when it was called Groundhog’s Day. Wrong! This was the one film I liked. The characters were captivating. The gore supported the story. The story was interesting. And the ending was good. I especially enjoyed how what was going on, the cause of the constant murder-rebirth, was revealed with good pacing. Often with films with similar plots, you have no idea what is going on until the end of the film when some character conveniently explains everything in two minutes. Deaths reveals a little more with each new life of Ian’s. It took an implausible situation and made it believable and was entertaining, too. The only fault I have with this film is that near the end of the film, the antagonists are wearing these outfits that look like a cross between Matrix gear and Fruit Roll-ups. And there’s this whole alternative universe thing that bordered on a Matrix rip-off, but not so blatantly as to cause a need to denounce the film altogether. Rather, it seemed to pay homage to that sort of premise, so I’ll let it slide. Film(s) rip-off attempt: The Matrix (just a smidget)
Borderland
Summary: Three college friends take a trip to Mexico and encounter a sacrificial cult. Review: Not even strong performances by veteran actors Rider “Cabin Fever” Strong and Sean “The Lord of the Rings” Astin could save this film. The story line was unoriginal and uninspired, trying to follow in the footsteps of the many other films that depict American tourists falling prey to nasty foreign predators. There were numerous actions that made no sense. You can excuse the occasional non-sensical action in a horror film, dismissing it to fear and panic. But this film had people with tire irons approaching people with shotguns, three people armed only with one handgun and one shotgun attempting to attack about thirty people with a lot more guns and one scene where a character runs out to a vehicle to retrieve weapons and then runs back into the house. Why would you not just drive away if you could make it to the vehicle? Sean Astin really should look into getting another agent. How he can go from being Samwise freakin’ Gamgee to crap like this astounds me. Please, no more ‘American tourists get killed in foreign country’ films. I suspect they may be part of a mass conspiracy to keep American dollars in America. Or it may just be the plethora of untalented morons attempting to make movies (and I do not mean Eli Roth; he is awesome). Whatever the case may be, this type of film is played out. Let’s move on. Film(s) rip-off attempt: Hostel, Wolf Creek, Turistas
Lake Dead
Summary: Three sisters inherit a motel from a grandfather they never knew. They visit the motel and discover a terrible family secret that threatens to destroy them. Review: The film title is rather misleading. With a title like Lake Dead, one might expect the story to be more directly related to the lake itself. Well, it isn’t. The lake really has nothing to do with the story other than the fact that everything takes place near it. But that’s just one of the many hysterical aspects of this movie. I have never laughed so hard at a film that didn’t intend to be funny. The film had a one decent showing of gore and the characters weren’t a complete loss. But the story could have been better served being a short film. The story, which was quite simple really, was repeated over and over again in various ways by various characters. No one had apparently ever seen a lake before, as they reacted with such awe and wonder and made several references to how great it was. The producers must have paid a lot of money for the motel sign as it was shown every ten minutes – probably just in case you couldn’t figure out where you were or to reemphasize the lake. The motel is called Lake Motel. Well, it is a motel and it is by a lake. Just shows how creative the writer is, doesn’t it? After one character is found dead and two others are missing, the remaining characters are given coffee and then asked if they are okay. They reply that they are better now. Apparently a cup of coffee is all that’s needed to help one get over finding a dead friend. I have two favorite scenes. First, two of the characters are swimming in the almighty lake. One character is in the lake, held down by a cinder block. The lake is obviously not too deep since the dead body’s hands which are floating upward touch the swimmers’ feet. The one character drops his wallet. He searches for the wallet and finds it without finding the dead body. Granted, he had his eyes closed since the lake was possibly polluted (he tried to dive with open eyes but that burned). But still, how do you feel around for a wallet and not touch the dead body inches away? And why was he swimming with his wallet in the first place? And maybe if the lake was polluted, you could add that to the story. Duh! I cannot describe the second scene lest I give away the shocking ending (sarcasm alert!). Suffice it to say, it was the scariest, most disturbing thing that wasn’t gory I’ve seen in awhile. I cried out in disgust but then laughed just as much. I absolutely intend to buy this movie. It’s not often you get to laugh this hard at anything. Film(s) rip-off attempt: Wrong Turn, Hills Have Eyes (just for the common theme of mutant families – ah, crap; I hope that doesn’t ruin the film for you!)
Mulberry Street
Summary: A group of NYC residents are trapped in their apartment complex by zombie-like creatures created by being bit by rats. The bites turn the victims into flesh-eating rat creatures. Review: The summary sounds like more fun than it is. The cinematography was great. The director has a long list of credits for grip work and storyboard artist and this background served the film well. But Mr. Mickle seemed to want to show of how well he could manipulate an image only and forgot that he was also supposed to be telling a story. I enjoyed the characters. They were surprisingly well-developed. But there was so little action so much of the movie. There was time after time when all that was happening was the passage of time. I often felt like one would watching grass grow. Nothing was going on! The film clearly attempts to replicate 28 Days Later, mimicking the long sequences where Jim is alone in a deserted metropolis. But it lacks the social context, the good acting and the action. Rat creatures just aren’t as scary as super-fast zombie-like rage-infected creatures. I think the rat aspect may have been an attempt to make some sort of statement about rats in NYC. But it just comes off comical. Had they committed to a Troma-esque pictorial with the rat creatures and the overall tone of the film being depicted less dramatically, this film would have worked. As it stands, it doesn’t. Film(s) rip-off attempt: 28 Days Later, every other zombie film ever made
Tooth & Nail
Summary: In the year 2015, the modern world has collapsed. A group of survivors must defend themselves against another group of survivors who happen to be cannibals. Review: Tooth & Nail is another film that falls victim to taking itself too seriously or not seriously enough. The result is another film that is comical when it shouldn’t be, thus resulting in any lack of true horror whatsoever. First of all, the decline of western civilization is attributed to running out of gas. Apparently, no one could create any alternate fuel sources nor attempted to harness solar power or use hydroponics or anything. And never mind the fact that there are several civilizations that thrive without the use of gas. Granted, such an event would cause some chaos as this facet of society is so dependent upon the use of gas. Still, to assume it would create an apocalypse is just too far-fetched. Or maybe it isn’t. People could riot instead of regrouping constructively. But I wasn’t buying it. Secondly, the leader of the group of non-cannibalistic survivors is named Darwin - such a shameless nod to the concept of survival of the fittest within a film that attempts to show a demonstration of said concept. I suppose it does show that concept; it just does so in a really lame way. Darwin is played by Robert “Revenge of the Nerds” Carradine. It’s really hard to take him seriously. Then Rider Strong is back again. I have to wonder why Rider is in two Horrorfest films. Gambling problem, perhaps? Bad agent? Or maybe he’s just not discerning enough in choosing his roles. He is once again with veteran actors, including Mr. Carradine, Vinnie “Snatch” Jones and Michael “Reservoir Dogs” Madsen. Tooth & Nail also gives us another Horrorfest vet in Rachel “ex-Mrs. Macauley Culkin” Miner. She starred in last year’s Penny Dreadful, and yes, it is (dreadful). Wait – there’s more to hate. The pacing was too slow. The cannibals look like rejects from Mad Max or the Capitol One commercial with the Vikings. I kept expecting one of them to turn to the camera and ask, “What’s in your wallet?” The cannibals only eat one person a day. Once they capture that person, they leave. The group argues over when they can escape. Gee, how about then, dumbasses? Okay, there are other factors that probably would have lead to problems even with such an obvious plan. But not to acknowledge that option was just stupid. But the worst, and I mean the worst, part of the film comes toward the end. One character decides to do battle with the cannibals. To prepare, this character (I’m avoiding gender specific pronouns lest I give anything away!) dons tribal face paint. I think shoe polish was used. The face paint scene is presented in slooow motion with dramaaatic music. Then, as the character finishes the face painting, there’s a shot of the lowered head to the head lift with closed eyes to the open eyes filled with intensity. Give me a break! Seriously. Film(s) rip-off attempt: Mad Max,
Nightmare Man
Summary: A woman suffers from visions after receiving a mysterious mask. Everyone around her believes she is hallucinating, but is she? Review: Despite the fact that Richard “Bull from Night Court” Moll stars and the director has some soft-core porn credits, I just couldn’t endure another Horrorfest film. Crazy Eights
Summary: The funeral of a friend brings together six people and brings to light childhood traumas and a terrible secret. Review: Besides the fact that 5 out of 6 films I was subjected to sucked, other reasons I would not see this film include the fact that it sounds just like the plot of last year’s The Gravedancers; Lake Dead already proved terrible secrets are not always as scary as they sound; Borderland and Tooth & Nail are testaments to the fact that big name actors cannot always save a film; and the director’s only major previous credit is directing 7 episodes of Psychic Detectives. Horrorfest 2007 – as a whole
If Horrorfest returns next year, as it undoubtedly will, like a bad case of herpes that just won’t stop flaring up, I will not be there. I may have been sucked in by the idea of watching hours of horror films in the theater for an entire weekend. But what I got was not horror. I was hoping that since the first year did so well financially and the films were decent, that this year’s crop would be better. But they weren’t. The lot of films will come to video. With any luck, they’ll be on Comcast On-Demand again or on The SciFi Channel, as they were. And I will watch them, but in the privacy of my own home so I can mock them as completely as they deserve. Hell hath no fury like a true horror fan scorned. Grade: F If you have some masochistic desire to subject yourself to bad movies (as I must!) or you just want a chance to form your own opinion, you may still catch the Horrorfest films in theaters this weekend, November 16-18. |
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